The Way of Taking a Break

I'm taking a blogging break... I just wanted to let my many, many faithful readers know... I hope this announcement does not result in tears, depression or mass suicide. I'll be back before you know it...

Until next time...
Jessica

The Way of the Valentine

It's almost that time again: the corniest holiday of the year is next week: anticipated by most women, and feared by most men, Valentine's Day can befuddle the most confident among us.

I've been dating-well, if you can call it that- since I was 15 years old. That's thirteen Valentine's Days, some spent in corny bliss with significant others, and some spent in solitary musings with good books. That's thirteen February 14ths, thirteen opportunities to learn, thirteen shots at wisdom... and now I'm ready to share:

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Jessica's Valentine's Day Wisdom:

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1. If you can't be with someone that you love, at least try to be with someone good looking. You single folks know what I'm talking about... You already know that you're probably not going to meet and fall in love with your soul mate in the next seven days. It's time for Plan B, and Plan B always involves making your other single friends jealous. Valentine's Day doesn't have to be about love; it can be about something so much less special: it can be about a date with someone attractive. So, take this opportunity to text your most attractive single friend and secure his or her time on this special day. If you can't be with someone you really care about, at least hang out with someone that is not hard on the eyes. (If you go this route, don't forget to take a pic to post on Facebook. Your friends will need proof if they're really going to be jealous)

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2. If you don't like Valentine's day, fake it. One of the worst things in the world is to be perceived as bitter. If you are single on Valentine's day, any mention of not liking V-Day, wearing black on V-day, or being lonely on V-Day (no matter how flippant and breezy you think you sound) will be perceived as bitterness. I promise you, when you complain about all of the pink teddy bears, diamond jewelry and commercialism surrounding Valentine's Day, this is what I hear: "I'm lonely." You don't want me to hear this from you. Fake an enjoyment of Valentine's Day. Go out with your girls. Play board games. Manipulate your attractive single friend into going out with you... just. don't. give. away. distaste. for. V-Day.

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3. Avoid Valentine's Day break-ups at all costs. I've been

there, done that. Twice. Don't be honest on Valentine's day... it's not worth it. If you've made it this far, just suck it up until February 15th. He or she might even win you back over by then.

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4. On Valentine's Day, be nice, but don't be too nice. We all read into things on Valentine's day. Sure, get her flowers, but please don't drink too much wine and propose. Cupid is a sneaky, tricky lad... and he uses Valentine's day to get people to do all sorts of things that they wouldn't do otherwise. Just be careful.

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5. Creativity on Valentine's Day is overrated. So you want to get her something other than flowers, teddy bears, chocolates, or jewelry? Don't worry yourself. She'll love all of those things, even if a good 57% of American women are getting the exact same thing. Don't worry about being creative... just go ahead and stop at that gas station on the way home from work and buy those roses and that cheap bear. She'll love it. I promise.

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6. Lower your expectations. Most of us only get a small sprinkling of magical romance our whole lives. Sometimes I think I've already gotten mine, and that's okay... Just don't be disappointed when your Valentine's Day isn't worthy of a Hollywood movie. Most other people's aren't either... they mainly claim it to make you jealous.

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Faithful readers... while I'm not exactly the love doctor, I hope that these tips will come in handy as you plan for the corniest day of the year. Schedule your date now (the good-looking ones go fast), and cross your fingers. Good luck being:

Affectionate, but not too affectionate...

Available, but not emotionaly...

and sincere, but not honest...

XOXO

The Way of Two Jobs

Most teachers agree that being an educator is a full time job. However, sometimes life just gets too expensive, and all of us could use a little extra cash. (Especially when we insist on getting new floors and roofs at the same time) Many teachers find that doing some after-hours tutoring helps, and I have taken on the role of tutor several times myself. In fact right now I tutor a gal every single day after work, in her home. There are more benefits than just financial ones, though. Review my exhaustive list below, and think about whether or not you are interested in picking up a second job.

Non-monetary Benefits to Two Jobs

1. Do not underestimate the value of car time. With more time in the car due to extra commuting, you get more time: more time at stoplights, more time to be impatient with other drivers, and more time to think about how tired you are. Enjoy!

2. You get to have more than one boss. If you thought one boss was great, try having several! Each one has their own quirks and eccentricities... no two have the exact same hangups. Hone your people skills while you work.

3. Heavy paperwork gives you a built-in hobby. Tired of all those lonely Saturday nights spent at home, alone? Yeah, I was too. Then I got a second job! Built in entertainment with all of the extra paperwork. Listen, don't be jealous. You too can get a second job.

4. You get to enlist others to take care of your home responsibilities. Now granted, I don't have a ton of responsibilities: no husband, no kids. However, I do have a dog. Me leaving at 7 in the morning and getting home at 6:30 at night is not his favorite. Thankfully, when I have an especially long day, I do have supportive friends to watch out for the little guy. The second job frees me up to shirk my own responsibilities.

5. You get to fake expertise in more areas than you already do. I teach English. I'm pretty darn good at that. I currently tutor English, Chemistry, Algebra II, and Government. Chemistry and Algebra are not really areas of strength for me these days, but I always say that the more confident you are when teaching info you don't know, the more likely it is that the student will believe you. It's great for the ego to be believed when you're faking expertise...

In conclusion, you gotta keep makin' that paper... whether it be through one job, two, or half a dozen. Just keep these additional benefits in mind as you're sending out your resume.

The Way of the Nap

Last week I read this really cool article, full of research studies and statistics, that supported the practice of nap-taking. This scholarly and data-filled article failed to mention a few things about naps, however, that I just wanted to add.

1. Naps can get you out of any afternoon activity that you do not want to be a part of. Imagine you have been invited out to lunch with someone that annoys you. What do you say? Of course, respond that you need to go take a nap.

2. Naps give you an excuse to go back to bed. As if you need one.

3. Naps allow you to start over. Having a bad day? Just go to bed. When you wake up, at least it will be the afternoon of your bad day, and you'll have less hours before you get to go to bed again.

4. Naps give the illusion that you have an exciting life. When you say that you need to go home and take a nap, people immediatly assume that you had an exciting night the previous evening. This will give you major cool points with all of your friends and family.

Gotta go, gentle readers. Yeah, you've got it... it's nap time.

The Way of Blogging

Did you know blogging grew by 68% last year?(http://libbyvarcoe.wordpress.com/2009/02/23/blogging-grows-by-68/) That’s all well and good, but some people just put too much thought into what they write. My favorite kind of blog seems like it was written first thing in the morning after a long night of drinking. Since so many agree with me, I’ve enclosed a few tips here that will give your blog that timeless feel…

1. Never proofread. Isn’t it frustrating to read a blog with sophisticated diction and syntax? I’m like, man, calm down, you’re trying too hard. Just write without any thought of who will be reading it, or even how they can read it with all of the mechanical errors. That will make it seem more raw, more real, more grammatically incorrect.

2. Trash-talk your employer. Every day, more and more people get in trouble with their employers for what they post on the internet. By raking your employer or business organization over the coals, your readers will get that sense that you just don’t care about the consequences of your blog. Your readers will eat up that sense of danger.

3. Make fun of your readers. Don’t you love it when people mock you over the internet? Me too. However, this is one trend in blogging that has not taken off like I thought it would. Firstly, insult readers by implying that blog readers do not have a life. Secondly, ask readers for comments, then point out how stupid their comments are. Finally, make fun of demographics that you know read your blog. (women and children are especially easy targets)

4. Give out specific personal information. List your address and the dates of your vacation. This is guaranteed to make your blog seem impulsive and artless, and will generate interest, especially among housebreakers and practical jokers. Other personal information to include: how you really feel about your husband, the specific details of your intestinal illness, and your morning routine.

If all else fails, simply focus all of your writing energy on your pet. What is she eating? What tricks does she know? What other dogs or cats is she playing with? What adorable expression did she have on her face today? This type of writing always seems natural. Besides, people will be really interested in hearing all of these things, so spare no detail.

Happy writing!

The Way of the Moody

I woke up this morning in a terrible mood... it hits me every once in awhile for no apparent reason. After laying in bed for about thirty minutes trying to convince myself that I was sick and should stay in bed all day, I came to terms with the fact that nothing was legitimately wrong with me, and I should move on with my life. (or at least reposition from the bedroom to the living room)

This done, I began to ruminate on how wonderful it can be to be moody. Watch:

1. People are more likely to leave you alone.

2. You can explain away innapropriate behavior.

3. You give yourself a free pass to do what you want.

4. People call you "artsy."

5. You can fit in with the Emo crowd.

6. You can drive away people closest to you.

7. You can sleep all day.

8. You can drink all day, too.

9. You can get negative attention.

10. Oh, and if you're really moody, there are some legal drugs you can get.*

Some of my friends and coworkers ask me how I can be so happy all the time, and you know, they are not all wrong about me. I usually am moderately upbeat. I'm blessed... and lucky. But sometimes you just have to look at the benefits of being emotional, sensitive, and moody-- and embrace that darker side too. I mean, who can argue with all of those benefits?

*A note from our sponsor: This blog is not meant to directly or indirectly support/decry the use of Prozac, Paxil or Zoloft.

The Way of the Modern Gentleman

My phone was ringing off the hook last night with guys calling, asking for their own set of tips. They didn’t think it was fair that I offered so much fantastic advice for women, but no advice for men in yesterday’s blog. Guys, this one’s for you:

Tips for Being a Modern Gentleman

1. Be quiet. In the days of yore, men talked and women listened. That has all changed. Now, women talk and gentlemen listen. Quietly. Yes, you can ask questions to show interest, but beyond that always remember that a gentleman should be seen and not heard.

2. Smoke. Smoking is known in prominent circles to be sophisticated and stylish. Besides, the ladies love it. So guys, if, while you are sitting quietly being careful to say nothing, you feel awkward, take up this rewarding habit.

3. Forget your wallet. The modern man does not ever have to pay for anything because the true gentleman does not actually work for pay. He would not want to dirty his hands in this way. Instead, live at home with your mom, or if you prefer obtain a sugar mamma or wife.

4. Flirt. In order to prove his masculinity, the true gentleman always flirts with numerous women. This has the dual effect of making you feel good, as well as making the ladies feel pretty.

5. Refuse to help. The days of men helping women get into cars and clean up the kitchen are gone. The true gentleman will not offer to help with anything, so go watch football. Just make sure you look distinguished while you are doing it.

These tips should get you started in the fine art of being a gentleman. If it is difficult at first, don’t worry, the more your practice these suave ways, the easier it will be to impress everyone with your own sense of importance.