An Everyday Blog for the Maladjusted

The Way of Taking a Break

2010-02-21T13:48:00.003-05:00

I'm taking a blogging break... I just wanted to let my many, many faithful readers know... I hope this announcement does not result in tears, depression or mass suicide. I'll be back before you know it...

Until next time...
Jessica

The Way of the Valentine

2010-02-07T11:30:00.003-05:00

It's almost that time again: the corniest holiday of the year is next week: anticipated by most women, and feared by most men, Valentine's Day can befuddle the most confident among us.

I've been dating-well, if you can call it that- since I was 15 years old. That's thirteen Valentine's Days, some spent in corny bliss with significant others, and some spent in solitary musings with good books. That's thirteen February 14ths, thirteen opportunities to learn, thirteen shots at wisdom... and now I'm ready to share:

Jessica's Valentine's Day Wisdom:

1. If you can't be with someone that you love, at least try to be with someone good looking. You single folks know what I'm talking about... You already know that you're probably not going to meet and fall in love with your soul mate in the next seven days. It's time for Plan B, and Plan B always involves making your other single friends jealous. Valentine's Day doesn't have to be about love; it can be about something so much less special: it can be about a date with someone attractive. So, take this opportunity to text your most attractive single friend and secure his or her time on this special day. If you can't be with someone you really care about, at least hang out with someone that is not hard on the eyes. (If you go this route, don't forget to take a pic to post on Facebook. Your friends will need proof if they're really going to be jealous)

2. If you don't like Valentine's day, fake it. One of the worst things in the world is to be perceived as bitter. If you are single on Valentine's day, any mention of not liking V-Day, wearing black on V-day, or being lonely on V-Day (no matter how flippant and breezy you think you sound) will be perceived as bitterness. I promise you, when you complain about all of the pink teddy bears, diamond jewelry and commercialism surrounding Valentine's Day, this is what I hear: "I'm lonely." You don't want me to hear this from you. Fake an enjoyment of Valentine's Day. Go out with your girls. Play board games. Manipulate your attractive single friend into going out with you... just. don't. give. away. distaste. for. V-Day.

3. Avoid Valentine's Day break-ups at all costs. I've been

there, done that. Twice. Don't be honest on Valentine's day... it's not worth it. If you've made it this far, just suck it up until February 15th. He or she might even win you back over by then.

4. On Valentine's Day, be nice, but don't be too nice. We all read into things on Valentine's day. Sure, get her flowers, but please don't drink too much wine and propose. Cupid is a sneaky, tricky lad... and he uses Valentine's day to get people to do all sorts of things that they wouldn't do otherwise. Just be careful.

5. Creativity on Valentine's Day is overrated. So you want to get her something other than flowers, teddy bears, chocolates, or jewelry? Don't worry yourself. She'll love all of those things, even if a good 57% of American women are getting the exact same thing. Don't worry about being creative... just go ahead and stop at that gas station on the way home from work and buy those roses and that cheap bear. She'll love it. I promise.

6. Lower your expectations. Most of us only get a small sprinkling of magical romance our whole lives. Sometimes I think I've already gotten mine, and that's okay... Just don't be disappointed when your Valentine's Day isn't worthy of a Hollywood movie. Most other people's aren't either... they mainly claim it to make you jealous.

Faithful readers... while I'm not exactly the love doctor, I hope that these tips will come in handy as you plan for the corniest day of the year. Schedule your date now (the good-looking ones go fast), and cross your fingers. Good luck being:

Affectionate, but not too affectionate...

Available, but not emotionaly...

and sincere, but not honest...

XOXO

The Way of Two Jobs

2010-01-31T18:15:00.005-05:00

Most teachers agree that being an educator is a full time job. However, sometimes life just gets too expensive, and all of us could use a little extra cash. (Especially when we insist on getting new floors and roofs at the same time) Many teachers find that doing some after-hours tutoring helps, and I have taken on the role of tutor several times myself. In fact right now I tutor a gal every single day after work, in her home. There are more benefits than just financial ones, though. Review my exhaustive list below, and think about whether or not you are interested in picking up a second job.

Non-monetary Benefits to Two Jobs

1. Do not underestimate the value of car time. With more time in the car due to extra commuting, you get more time: more time at stoplights, more time to be impatient with other drivers, and more time to think about how tired you are. Enjoy!

2. You get to have more than one boss. If you thought one boss was great, try having several! Each one has their own quirks and eccentricities... no two have the exact same hangups. Hone your people skills while you work.

3. Heavy paperwork gives you a built-in hobby. Tired of all those lonely Saturday nights spent at home, alone? Yeah, I was too. Then I got a second job! Built in entertainment with all of the extra paperwork. Listen, don't be jealous. You too can get a second job.

4. You get to enlist others to take care of your home responsibilities. Now granted, I don't have a ton of responsibilities: no husband, no kids. However, I do have a dog. Me leaving at 7 in the morning and getting home at 6:30 at night is not his favorite. Thankfully, when I have an especially long day, I do have supportive friends to watch out for the little guy. The second job frees me up to shirk my own responsibilities.

5. You get to fake expertise in more areas than you already do. I teach English. I'm pretty darn good at that. I currently tutor English, Chemistry, Algebra II, and Government. Chemistry and Algebra are not really areas of strength for me these days, but I always say that the more confident you are when teaching info you don't know, the more likely it is that the student will believe you. It's great for the ego to be believed when you're faking expertise...

In conclusion, you gotta keep makin' that paper... whether it be through one job, two, or half a dozen. Just keep these additional benefits in mind as you're sending out your resume.

The Way of the Nap

2010-01-24T13:27:00.002-05:00

Last week I read this really cool article, full of research studies and statistics, that supported the practice of nap-taking. This scholarly and data-filled article failed to mention a few things about naps, however, that I just wanted to add.

1. Naps can get you out of any afternoon activity that you do not want to be a part of. Imagine you have been invited out to lunch with someone that annoys you. What do you say? Of course, respond that you need to go take a nap.

2. Naps give you an excuse to go back to bed. As if you need one.

3. Naps allow you to start over. Having a bad day? Just go to bed. When you wake up, at least it will be the afternoon of your bad day, and you'll have less hours before you get to go to bed again.

4. Naps give the illusion that you have an exciting life. When you say that you need to go home and take a nap, people immediatly assume that you had an exciting night the previous evening. This will give you major cool points with all of your friends and family.

Gotta go, gentle readers. Yeah, you've got it... it's nap time.

The Way of Blogging

2010-01-12T16:21:00.000-05:00

Did you know blogging grew by 68% last year?(http://libbyvarcoe.wordpress.com/2009/02/23/blogging-grows-by-68/) That’s all well and good, but some people just put too much thought into what they write. My favorite kind of blog seems like it was written first thing in the morning after a long night of drinking. Since so many agree with me, I’ve enclosed a few tips here that will give your blog that timeless feel…

1. Never proofread. Isn’t it frustrating to read a blog with sophisticated diction and syntax? I’m like, man, calm down, you’re trying too hard. Just write without any thought of who will be reading it, or even how they can read it with all of the mechanical errors. That will make it seem more raw, more real, more grammatically incorrect.

2. Trash-talk your employer. Every day, more and more people get in trouble with their employers for what they post on the internet. By raking your employer or business organization over the coals, your readers will get that sense that you just don’t care about the consequences of your blog. Your readers will eat up that sense of danger.

3. Make fun of your readers. Don’t you love it when people mock you over the internet? Me too. However, this is one trend in blogging that has not taken off like I thought it would. Firstly, insult readers by implying that blog readers do not have a life. Secondly, ask readers for comments, then point out how stupid their comments are. Finally, make fun of demographics that you know read your blog. (women and children are especially easy targets)

4. Give out specific personal information. List your address and the dates of your vacation. This is guaranteed to make your blog seem impulsive and artless, and will generate interest, especially among housebreakers and practical jokers. Other personal information to include: how you really feel about your husband, the specific details of your intestinal illness, and your morning routine.

If all else fails, simply focus all of your writing energy on your pet. What is she eating? What tricks does she know? What other dogs or cats is she playing with? What adorable expression did she have on her face today? This type of writing always seems natural. Besides, people will be really interested in hearing all of these things, so spare no detail.

Happy writing!

The Way of the Moody

2010-01-10T10:33:00.003-05:00

I woke up this morning in a terrible mood... it hits me every once in awhile for no apparent reason. After laying in bed for about thirty minutes trying to convince myself that I was sick and should stay in bed all day, I came to terms with the fact that nothing was legitimately wrong with me, and I should move on with my life. (or at least reposition from the bedroom to the living room)

This done, I began to ruminate on how wonderful it can be to be moody. Watch:

1. People are more likely to leave you alone.

2. You can explain away innapropriate behavior.

3. You give yourself a free pass to do what you want.

4. People call you "artsy."

5. You can fit in with the Emo crowd.

6. You can drive away people closest to you.

7. You can sleep all day.

8. You can drink all day, too.

9. You can get negative attention.

10. Oh, and if you're really moody, there are some legal drugs you can get.*

Some of my friends and coworkers ask me how I can be so happy all the time, and you know, they are not all wrong about me. I usually am moderately upbeat. I'm blessed... and lucky. But sometimes you just have to look at the benefits of being emotional, sensitive, and moody-- and embrace that darker side too. I mean, who can argue with all of those benefits?

*A note from our sponsor: This blog is not meant to directly or indirectly support/decry the use of Prozac, Paxil or Zoloft.

The Way of the Modern Gentleman

2010-01-08T16:18:00.000-05:00

My phone was ringing off the hook last night with guys calling, asking for their own set of tips. They didn’t think it was fair that I offered so much fantastic advice for women, but no advice for men in yesterday’s blog. Guys, this one’s for you:

Tips for Being a Modern Gentleman

1. Be quiet. In the days of yore, men talked and women listened. That has all changed. Now, women talk and gentlemen listen. Quietly. Yes, you can ask questions to show interest, but beyond that always remember that a gentleman should be seen and not heard.

2. Smoke. Smoking is known in prominent circles to be sophisticated and stylish. Besides, the ladies love it. So guys, if, while you are sitting quietly being careful to say nothing, you feel awkward, take up this rewarding habit.

3. Forget your wallet. The modern man does not ever have to pay for anything because the true gentleman does not actually work for pay. He would not want to dirty his hands in this way. Instead, live at home with your mom, or if you prefer obtain a sugar mamma or wife.

4. Flirt. In order to prove his masculinity, the true gentleman always flirts with numerous women. This has the dual effect of making you feel good, as well as making the ladies feel pretty.

5. Refuse to help. The days of men helping women get into cars and clean up the kitchen are gone. The true gentleman will not offer to help with anything, so go watch football. Just make sure you look distinguished while you are doing it.

These tips should get you started in the fine art of being a gentleman. If it is difficult at first, don’t worry, the more your practice these suave ways, the easier it will be to impress everyone with your own sense of importance.

The Way of the Modern Lady

2010-01-07T16:14:00.002-05:00

My goodness! I have been so frustrated with my friends lately because they are so damn polite! They freaking cross their legs when they sit down, and dress primly. They don’t speak badly about people behind their backs, and they try to avoid conflict. I can’t take it much longer. My friends have an outdated sense of what it means to be a lady, and since we’re in South Carolina, they all try to attain this ideal ladylikeness.
They give me a headache.

That’s why I’m writing today. I want to update their concept of the modern lady, so that they do not annoy me any more than they already have… I mean, I’m about to have to find a whole new set of friends here…

Tips for the Modern Lady

1. Cuss more. The modern lady should be full of all kinds of foul language, and unafraid to speak her mind in the most abrasive way possible. This is stylish in 2010, and the lady should always be in the height of behavioral fashion.

2. Be rude. Scrapping manners is the next wave of sophistication. Class is definitely overrated. No one wants to hang out with women who dress modestly and have good table manners, so dump all of that. Talk with your mouth full. Dress as slutty as possible. You will find that your friends and family will be amazed at your pleasing gracefulness.

3. Embrace trashiness. Poise and charm go a long way when combined with piercings, tattoos, low-cut dresses, fishnet stockings, and visible undergarments. Every true lady has a trashy side; they just need to learn to get in touch with it.

4. Be self-centered. Traditionally, lady-like women were known to be generous and spiritual, but the new wave of ladies has put a nice twist on this old idea: Be charitable to yourself. Decadence and self-indulgence

5. Pout. This is a time-honored tradition that has worked undeniably well for centuries, and I would be remiss to try to change it. Everyone has their own way of dealing with conflict, but for a true lady, there is and only has ever been only one option: pouting. The combination of the silent treatment, the whining, and the tears results in the lady elegantly getting her own way.

Once you have mastered these tips, watch how people’s respect for you will grow. They will stop and stare at you once you walk in the room, whisper about your metamorphosis behind their napkins, and give you a lot of much-needed space.

The Way of Losing Things

2010-01-03T11:43:00.004-05:00

A couple of months ago I lost my keys, and my mom said, "Yeah, that sounds like you." Initially, I was offended. "What do you mean, that sounds like me?" I responded. She then listed some rather important things that I had lost:

1. My car. You see, I used to live in this apartment complex that was very strict about parking decals. I left one of my doors unlocked one night, and someone stole my decal. The car got towed, I thought it had been stolen, and it was a very exciting morning.

2. My wallet. Technically, this was stolen, but I guess when things are stolen that's a type of loss... I had to get a new bank account, cards, etc etc etc...

3. My cell phone. This was just a couple of weeks ago... also stolen. Don't worry, I've gotten most of my numbers back. Just don't be upset if you get a who-is-this text after you try to call me.

4. My way. I get turned around ALL THE TIME... even with a GPS. I have nothing to say in my own defense.

5. My first dog. I lost her in a break-up. That's sad... I'm not going to talk about that.

6. Aaaaaand my keys. Yeah, I lost them, with all my work keys, house keys, and car keys in Charlotte, about 100 miles away from my spare car key, safely at home in Columbia. That was an adventure, with friends hauling me hither, tither and yon... One of my principals still has to unlock my classroom for me every morning.

The moral of the story:

You would think that the moral of this story would be to hold loosely to material possessions... or to be thankful that friends are there to help you through sticky situations, but no, this is mine:

Losing things will get you a lot of attention.

-When I lost my car, I actually got to miss a morning of work! And I even got some mother-daughter bonding time...

-When I lost my wallet, all of my students were up in arms, threatening to jump whoever had taken it. I felt so loved... and my bank spent hours on the phone with me sorting through the situation. I mean, I was on hold most of that time, but hey, I still got some attention out of it.

-When I lost my cell phone, the Verizon salesperson spent tons of time "trying" to find a deal for me. Unfortunately, he did not succeed, but I appreciate his effort.

-Finally, losing my keys garnered a lot of attention since I stalked all of my friends begging them for rides. It worked out great.

I'm hesitant to lose anything else for awhile though, as people might get suspicious.

The Way of Leftover Resolutions

2010-01-02T12:56:00.003-05:00

I love New Year's Resolutions... mainly because I'm so dissatisfied with who I am that I want to completely remake myself every year. For that reason, I usually have between ten and fifteen resolutions. Unfortunately, it's difficult to focus on that many different lifestyle changesat once, so I'm going to share my leftover resolutions with you. That way, if you want to use any of them, feel free... I won't get to them this year.

1. I will cuss more people out.
2. I will be late to work.
3. I will juggle numerous boyfriends at one time.
4. I will boycott small businesses.
5. I will sabotauge Recycling Trucks.
6. I will avoid my family.
7. I will embrace road rage.
8. I will stop eating.
9. I will celebrate being white.
10. I will give less to the community.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen: Let us not give up in our quest to become better this year! And always remember, focus on the outter man, and the inner will follow.

The Way of the New Year's Eve Party

2009-12-31T09:53:00.002-05:00

New Year's Eve is possibly the most important day of the year because it is the last day to rack up your year of regrets. Now, I am pretty much an expert in regret, so let me tell you how to get it done:

Step 1: Go out of town. You do not want to rack up all your regrets around your friends and family because either a)they won't let you do anything stupid or b) they won't be able to stop you, but they also won't ever let you forget about aforementioned stupid thing.

Step 2: Carefully choose your ensemble. Ladies: the shorter and lower, the better. This is a good rule of thumb: The smaller the dress, the easier the regret will come. Guys: wear something that makes you look wealthy... like a big watch or something. That way the women with the little dresses who are ready for big regrets will be all over you. Girl scout's honor.

Step 3: Get drunk. (Duh. All of my lists include this step.) This is essential for regret-building.

Step 4: Call an ex. Don't plan what you're going to say in advance, but just say whatever comes to mind. This is guaranteed to bring regret in the morning.

Step 5: Drive home drunk, endangering yourself and others. OR Have a threesome. Real people don't actually do this, except on holidays, but you will regret this decision as well.

Follow these steps, and you will be so determined to change your errant ways that your resolutions will be verifiably Puritanical... thus ensuring a pure and wholesome New Year that you can enjoy with all of your friends and family wherever you actually live.

The Way of the Bright Side

2009-12-31T08:00:00.000-05:00

I love people almost always. However, sometimes I need my own space and somehow all of these people that I usually like are still there... in my space... making me want to throw them all out of windows. However, I've devised a much more effective strategy than that. It involves annoying them into WANTING to leave me alone.

The whole trick is to be so obnoxiously upbeat that normal people will RUN-not walk--- RUN away from you.

HOW TO BE PERKY

-from a master in the dark art...

1. Be enthusiastic. The trick to enthusiasm is all in the tone of voice. Seem creepily interested, like instead of asking your husband how his day was, use all of your inflective powers to ask him HOOOW his DAAAY was.

2. Smile. Smile when you're speaking about the weather. Smile when you're c0mplaining about your boss. Smile when you're cooking dinner-doing the dishes-washing the dog- watching TV. They'll run. They'll hide. They'll have nightmares.

3. Be thankful. I don't just mean saying thank you after someone does something for you. No, it goes deeper than that... You need to practice an attitude of thankfulness. For example, you could share your gratitude for being alive, having a roof over your head, and having sufficient food to eat. Your friends and family will definitely get the hint to leave you alone for awhile.

4. Hug people. Get close. Linger. Act sentimental. Enough said.

Good luck temporarily alienating your friends and family. I hope these tips work as well for you as they have for me.

The Way of the Stripper Pole

2009-12-30T22:19:00.005-05:00

Lately the trend in education has been towards career preparation. A local school district has taken that concept and run with it.

There is an elective being offered to high school girls that involves dancing on what most of us would refer to as stripper poles. Supposedly, the elective is supposed to teach flexibility, fluidity, and confidence. Now before you all get up in arms about our 'innocent' youth learning the ways of the pole, let's consider the obvious benefits to this creative elective.

1. Practicality: Public schools offer wonderful training for practical job skills such as car maintenance and cosmetology. I have long argued that we should expand our offerings beyond the obvious, and try to find viable career training options for everyone. This elective will be invaluable to any young lady wanting to go on to a fulfilling career in adult entertainment.

2. Outlet: Everyone has their outlet. I write. Some sing, or draw. Others write computer code or play soccer. My point is that everyone has there own special brand of expression, and some young girls may enjoy expressing themselves with seductive dances. You know, in schools paid for with tax dollars...

3. Exercise: My gym teacher had to cajole and bribe me to do anything. Not so with this elective! Here the girls can exercise AND be sexy all at once. What young girl could resist that combo?

4. Motivation: I'm a teacher. I understand how difficult it is to motivate students. This elective solves all kinds of problems... It is the best motivational tool that I can think of. "Johnny, finish up your classwork so that you can go downstairs with the rest of the class to watch the Pole Dancers." I promise that little Johnny will complete his guided practice in record time. This motivational tool can be used for students and male faculty alike.

5. Resurgence of interest in arts: Think of the glorious recitals! And imagine how excited these sweet 14 and 15 year old girls will be when people start throwing money at them!

The advanced class could even include techniques for clothing removal. There. After considering all of these benefits, you can understand why this course is being offered, right?

Besides, I always counsel women, especially y0ung and impressionable ones, to do whatever it takes to get men to like them. This class will offer one more tool for them because some girls don't have many other options, you know, besides getting naked. Don't take that away from them.

The Way of Being Home for Christmas

2009-12-22T13:37:00.002-05:00

It's that time of year again! It's a time of festivities, presents, and togetherness. There's joy, harmony, and love. And lots of time. Together. With family. That you keep reminding yourself you're so happy to see. You love them so much... almost always. More harmony. More joy. More togetherness (sigh)... SO MUCH togetherness... Finally Aunt Judy's voice is starting to get on your nerves a little bit... now Brother George's relentless questions start to feel invasive... now Grandma Deb's preference for, well... me, starts to get annoying... Finally it all just seems like too much... TOO MUCH JOY! TOO MUCH HARMONY! TOO MUCH F*^$ING TOGETHERNESS!

Calm down, gentle readers. I am here to offer you a guide to surviving the holidays.

Ways to Deal with Holiday Annoyance

1. Get drunk. Nothing seems quite so annoying after you get a little bit of liquor in you. If your relatives don't drink, just smuggle a flask under your snowman knit Christmas sweater from Aunt Suzy.

2. Stop showering. This will guarantee your relatives keep a wide berth. Asking relatives for money will have the same effect, by the way.

3. Create your own drama. Rather than going through your relative's drama, you can create the drama, making you more in control. Are you unmarried? Fake a pregnancy... that will keep everyone busy the entire vacation. Are you broke? Choose now to declare bankruptcy. Are you married? Act like you're getting divorced, and even insist on separate rooms to add credibility. Now any minor thing that your relatives will want to nag about will disappear in the exteme nature of your fake crisis.

4. Change religions. If your family celebrates Christmas, become Jewish. Or you can decide to celebrate Kawanzaa. (That second option is my favorite because even though nobody actually knows what it is, everyone will act like they do since they feel like they should) That way you can avoid the more obnoxious Christmas traditions.

If all else fails, you can just take your presents and run. That always works for me.

The Way of Endearment

2009-12-21T12:39:00.004-05:00

It's a time-honored tradition: men from Mars and women from Venus trying to overcome the planetary gap and figure out what the heck that woman or man means. Usually we think that this planetary gap will get easier to overcome once we're past the talking stage and into the relationship one, but oftentimes it only gets trickier. There is one foolproof way to tell exactly what your significant other thinks of you, though. It's all in his or her chosen term of endearment for you.

Back in the day, ''dearie' and 'darling' were commonly heard. Today, there are many more choices from the formal 'sweetheart' to the more informal 'sugar.' It's enough to drive any thinking person crazy. Don't worry, though! I am going to tell you what your significant other really means by his or her special name for you.

1. Honey. If your significant other calls you 'honey,' this is good news for you. Oftentimes those that use this term of endearment have spent some time working in the restaurant industry, and their near-constant usage of both 'hon' and 'honey' has been brought home. While not the most creative affectionate phrasing, it still shows tenderness and caring, comparing the beloved to something sweet. If your significant other calls you 'honey,' he or she intends on keeping you around for awhile.

2. Babe. Babe is a somewhat-lazy appelation, but one of my personal favorites. If your significant other calls you 'babe,' it shows a comfortable level of affection. It also reveals the desire to protect the loved-one from harm, almost like one would protect a small child, a babe. Usually there is a certain amount of attraction involved here too, although not always.

3.Shawty. Shawty is a somewhat obvious reference to height, and comes from the club scene. If your significant other calls you shawty, it shows that he thinks that you are hip and cool enough to know that this is a term of endearment, but also reveals a desire that you be the one he is looking down on, which is always a plus.

4. Lil Mamma. 'Lil mamma' is often confused with 'baby mamma,' but should not be, as it's meaning is completely different. Lil mamma's terminology comes from the age-old Oedipus Complex, and references the son's subconscious sexual attraction to his own mother. If this worries you, let me relieve your fears. It's a compliment! It says, "I am attracted to you as if you were my mother. I want you to cook for me, clean for me, and meet all of my needs." Score!

5. Hoe. This is the fastest-growing term of endearment in America today, and I must confess it worries me. If your significant other calls you 'hoe,' it reveals a deep-seated fear that you will cheat, or possibly already are cheating. Furthermore, he or she is intimidated by your sexuality, and typically does not like to be seen in public with you. This term of endearment is an immediate precurser to a breakup... If I were you, I would try to beat him or her to the punch.

I have had some of my readers call me, concerned, saying that their significant other does not refer to them by any term of endearment, but only calls them by their name. Well, gentle reader, this is an easier answer than you would think. If your significant other only refers to you by your name, it obviously means that he or she doesn't love you, and probably never did. Empty out your joint bank account and run.

The Way of the Churchy

2009-12-13T12:23:00.005-05:00

I've been noticing a lot of serious problems lately, especially in my Bible Study. To compound the problem, the church I've been visiting has these problems too, and unlike many who are willing to accept the issues that they see without addressing them, I cannot be quiet any longer.

Lately I feel like everyone in church is focused, or at least trying to be focused, on loving God, and caring for people. They sit around and talk about how to be more obedient to the Lord's voice, or how to more effectively love their friends and coworkers. They read the Bibile, pray, and suggest that everyone else do the same in an effort to become more like Jesus.

My friends, these things ought not be! Have we lost the point of going to church?! Have we forgotten that church is more about a list of rules? Have we forgotten that we should avoid honesty on Sunday mornings? Have we forgotten that church is mostly about outward appearances? Have we forgotten that we are mostly just trying to humor our pastor?

We have got to get back to basics here, fellow churchy-ones, before it is too late!

Here's how:

1. Focus more on the outer, not the inner. It scares me how much thought people are putting into 'their spiritual lives'--whatever the heck that means. Go back to what's important: dress well. That way maybe you can wrangle up a good church guy, and you don't have to think too hard or feel too much.

2. Forget about the Bible. Geez, that thing is heavy! If I hear, "Please open up your Bible to page..." one more time, I think I'll throw one.

3. Bring back gossip. I miss it on Sundays. That he-said-she-said stuff gets me through the workday, and I'm unwilling to go a day without it. The next time I want to tell you about Carol's marital problems, just let me! Or, at least let me after I tell you she needs prayer. Other people's drama is so fun to talk about.

4. Be inconsistent. All this straight and narrow stuff gives me a headache. As long as you can act straight-and-narrowy on Sunday, who could ask for more? Besides, if you follow this tip, I'll have more to gossip about.

These are just a few tips that I've thought of off the top of my head, but the problem goes much deeper than I have expressed. It's a problem of misplaced values and priorities. This whole love-God-love-others thing has got to stop before it's too late. I've already noticed it spreading, like the contagious disease that it is. Just stay focused on what's important, and the church can go back to normal.

Amen.

The Way of the Politically Correct

2009-12-12T17:34:00.004-05:00

For the past few years, there's been a new fashion: being politically correct. It involves sensitivity, thoughtfulness, and an overall ability to think about how other people might feel about what you are saying.

Be honest, though. Don't you hate it when people always think about what they are going to say BEFORE they say it? Doesn't it just annoy you to death when folks try so hard to be inoffensive? Don't you just want people to be honest all the time, even if they are ignorant and rude?

Me too.

That's why I'm sharing my major pet peeve with all of my readers. Not only do I hate politically correct behavior, I hate all people that are politically correct.

For example, the other day a friend of mine mentioned to me that she receives supplemental aid from the government while she looks for a new job. I informed her that I think our whole country is turning communist, and she ought to be ashamed of herself. She acted all hurt, like I was uncaring or something, and has not returned my calls since. But what did I do? Nothing. I just suggested that our government is being run by communists. She was upset because I dared say something politically incorrect. She does not value my freedom of expression.

I still recommend it, though. Saying whatever stupid, ignorant, or belittling thing you want to is an inalienable right. It's America. We should be able to be politically incorrect whenever we want to.

Some smart steps for being politically incorrect:

Many will not be brave enough to get in touch with their politically incorrect side, but many will at least try my suggestions. Let me know how they work for you.

1. Be ignorant. In order to be truly and deeply politically incorrect, you need to practice letting go of most of the education you've had about considering other people's perspectives. You need to become comfortable with saying things that will sound ignorant to others: especially bigotted, racist, and sexist comments.
2. Be loud. Everyone knows that the louder you speak, the more likely it is that someone will listen to what you're saying. If you're not sure, try it tonight, especially if you're debating issues with a typically soft-spoken and reasonable person. Those people respond especially well to loud voices.
3. Gather support. It's no fun to be politically incorrect and rude all alone. Get your friends to join in on the fun. And if you don't have any friends, just wrangle them in with promises of liquor and money.
4. Be indignant. Like being loud, being angry also makes people want to listen to you. So the next time you want to convince a crowd that the Hispanic man in your office stole your promotion, please just get really mad about it. It's much more believable and sympathetic.
5. Celebrate. After using all of these techniques, you will find a new freedom in your political incorrectness. Sure, you may have lost some friends along the way. Oh, and your Aunt Sally may not invite you over for Thanksgiving anymore, but you're free! Who needs women-Asians-African Americans-Hispanics-fat people-and Democrat's good opinions anyway?

The Way of Lowering Your Standards

2009-12-07T18:25:00.003-05:00

Note to my married readers, as well as to those of you that have managed to land yourselves in a healthy relationship: This blog entry is not for you. Furthermore, if you are a well-adjusted content single person--- then this blog is not for you either. This blog is only for those of you that are single and desperate to be in a relationship.

Over and over I hear the same things. And it's not just my female friends saying them... I've heard some of you guys admit to this as well. "Jessica! It's been so long since I've been in a relationship. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get a boyfriend/girlfriend/friend with benefits? Am I ugly? Fat? What is it?"

Dear reader, there's nothing wrong with you. You just aim too high.

You want a handsome man, with a great job and his own home. He must be emotionally available. He also needs to be smart, spiritual, fun, and have all of your same interests. Besides that, he needs to want kids within the next few years.

Or you want a gorgeous woman who's also a great cook and enjoys football. She should give you space when you want it, and she must like all of your friends. Even the sexist one who gets mean when he's drunk. She also must laugh at all of your jokes.

This is the thing... and I say this hesitantly because I do not want to burst your bubble. There are just not that many perfect people wandering around, and when all of us are after the few perfect ones, they get scooped up pretty fast. (I mean, I'm still single... so guys, there is some hope for you, but ladies: you get my point.)

Thankfully, there's an easy fix to this dilemma: settle. I mean it. Lower your standards.

Poor and uninteresting men will work really hard to overcome their deficits. The same is true for ugly girls.

Consider the benefits for lowering your standards:

1. Immediately, you will see your romantic options double, or even triple.

2. You will not deal with feelings of inadequacy in the relationship.

3. It is likely that you will feel free to cheat, and possibly "trade up."

4. Your friends will not have to hear you complain about being single anymore. (Ahem- I mean, I love to hear you complain about that, and all, but...)

If you want to keep your standards high, that's fine with me. As long as you understand that you risk being single for the rest of your life.

Peace out.

The Way of the Window

2009-12-05T09:53:00.009-05:00

Old friends and romances should be comfortable, without the need for much analysis. Unfortunately, new friends and romances are a whole different story, with an annoying number of considerations and hidden meanings. Frankly, the more you analyze and overanalyze each new friendship or relationship, the better off you'll be. It's perfectly healthy to obsess over these things. That's where I come in! Thankfully, the possible rewards of these new relationships are fulfilling enough that most of us keep on making those new connections, despite the amount of emotional energy that must be expended up front.

One of the main issues that new friends must consider is the window. You see, after meeting someone, guy or girl, there is only a certain period of time (the window) in which it is acceptable to pursue a second hang-out. As a matter of fact, the first few hang-outs are very tricky, as this is the time period in which both parties are trying to figure out if they made a good decision in trying to become closer friends and/or interests. Due to each party's sensitivity during the aforementioned period of the window, great care must be taken to avoid giving the impression that one is too interested, or not interested enough in the other party. This can be accomplished easily with a few simple rules.

Rules While in the Window

1. The window of time in which you must have your first hang out is a short one. This should be accomplished within the first couple of weeks, but this is moderately negotiable depending on the two people involved.

2. If you want to get to know someone better, you always must accept the first date/hang out suggestion. It takes a lot of nerve for most people to suggest the first meeting. I don't care if you had other plans, were supposed to work, or had a death in the family. Accept the dinner date, or risk none at all.

3. The second hang out is tricky as well, and this window is shorter than the first because you both know each other better this time, and will have to prove to each other pretty quickly that each enjoyed the other's company.

4. Be on your best behavior while in the window. Repress your crazy streak. Name drop. Act pleasant. Fake interest in the other person. Otherwise, your new friend will drop you so fast it will make your head spin. (There is little sense of commitment while in the window)

Extenuating Factors: Group hang outs, holidays out of town, texts, and phone calls all extend maximum window periods. You see, the window is all about feelings. (I know, guys. I said the F word. Calm down) So if both parties feel that the other party is genuine in his or her desire for friendship, then more grace can be given about actual timing.

NOTE: After the first few hang-outs, there is a big possibility that your new friend is no longer able to trick you into thinking that he/she is cool. If this is the case, simply become "busy" whenever he or she tries to spend time with you. That is the universal code for, "I'm over it. My time is valuable, and we're not compatible." The beautiful thing is that if this happens while you two are still in the window, there is no confrontation like, "Why don't you ever spend time with me anymore?" or "Who's she?" While in the window, everybody has to act especially carefree and disinterested. By the time the window is closed, it is too late for the other person to follow through with an awkward row.

You will know when you have succeeded in getting past the window. At this point, you can call without thinking, stop analyzing text messages, and be yourself. Well, don't be completely yourself. Because then no one would like you.

Good luck!

The Way of Turning Everything into a Compliment

2009-11-30T17:01:00.004-05:00

When I was an emotionally maladjusted teenager, I too struggled with the common, albeit debilitating, problem: insecurity. Along with that insecurity came self esteem issues as well.

My readers ask me: Jessica, how did you go from that shy, self-conscious young lass you once were to the well-adjusted and charming blogger that you are today? Well friends, get excited, because that is the lesson I plan on sharing with you!

This is the concept you MUST master in order to boost your self esteem, and start thinking of yourself as highly as I think of myself:

There's a hidden compliment everywhere, and it is your job to unearth it.

I sense your follow up question: Jessica, how can I find these hidden compliments? Here we go...

Techniques for Creating Compliments

1. Be self-centered. My whole system of turning everything into a compliment will not work if you can't twist everything into being about yourself. If you are one of those people who is very others-centered and rarely thinks about yourself, my plan will not work for you. You have to be willing to focus on you, after all it is YOUR self esteem we're worried about here.

2. Deliberately Misinterpret Neutral Comments. In any given day, you will receive or overhear dozens of neutral comments. Simply interpret that comment as complimentary to yourself.
Example: A coworker says, "I saw you taking notes in that meeting." You take that neutral comment and turn it into a self-esteem boost by choosing to hear, "I wish I were as focused and inspiring as you are, willing to take notes in the meeting!"

3.Own compliments meant for the general public. What you may not realize is that there are many compliments already floating out there in the universe. Just grab them and hold on. Bumper stickers and commercials are perfect for this.
Example: A commercial advertising for a vacation states, "You deserve it." Doesn't that make you feel all warm and fuzzy? It should... The TV appreciates all the hard work that you do and thinks you deserve a vacation. And that you'd look good in that bikini.

4. Own compliments meant for someone else. Sometimes you'll overhear a compliment about someone else... This technique is very simple to learn. Simply make it about yourself. Watch this.
Example: People say this to me all the time: "Jessica! Your dog is adorable." I simply hear, "Jessica! You're adorable." I resist the urge to say, "I know," and simply reply, "Thank you.

5. Fish. You know, hint around for a compliment when you want one. This is the most commonly used technique, and even those who are unfamiliar with my self-esteem training have already mastered this one.
Example: (said with concerned expression) "Honey, do I look okay tonight?" Obvious answer from man (consequences are known if he does not respond with the appropriate answer) "You look beautiful, babe. Fantastic. Love the dress. Is it new?" Everybody wins.

6.Facial Expressions Count. Certain smiles mean "You look great." Winks, or even eye-twitches mean, "You're fabulous and sexy," and elevated eyebrows say, "What an intelligent comment." There are more, but they will have to wait for my "Advanced Compliment-Taking" Course offered at Midlands Tech in the Spring. Don't miss all of the reading-in opportunities that are out there!

7. If all else fails, use a mirror. Speak honeyed words of self-love to yourself while looking in a mirror. This is an especially practical technique because it only depends on you, and you can focus on whatever aspect of yourself you feel needs appreciation.
Example: After a rough day at work, I sometimes tell myself that, "I'm the best teacher around. And cute too." It works for me. Somehow. Besides, I know that if something needs to be done right, I need to do it myself.

The Way of Having a Wife and Child in Missouri

2009-11-15T18:40:00.008-05:00

I'm breaking one of my own blogging rules today.

When I first started blogging, I decided that, for obvious reasons, I would not actually discuss any real relationship I was currently or had been historically involved in. No one wants their personal business out on the internet, especially not me. You see, while I'm pretty outgoing, I'm actually kinda private about that part of my life. Hence the rule... I can protect the men in my life, and myself with this one little self-imposed guideline.

But get excited: I'm breaking that rule today.

It's worth it though, I swear. My friend and I have been laughing over this situation, and the ramifications, for at least 23 minutes. There is enough truth and humor here to go around... even though I'm breaking one of my own rules. Besides, I'll make sure to tell the story in such a way that I'll look good. And the ex-boyfriend will never know he appeared as a villain in my blog, making certain that everyone's a winner.

THE SITUATION:

It was the summer of '08, and Girl (that's me) was visiting family in Norfolk for a month. Zoom in on small bar off Granby Street. It was hot inside and hot outside. Boy met girl, and he was full of charm and confidence. Sparks flew, romance blossomed. There were dates. There was even texting. (I know. Gettin' serious.) Girl returned to Columbia, and real life resumed.

Girl returned to visit family in October. Boy turned on the charm again. Romance became relationship, and a long distance commitment emerged.

Boy visited girl in South Carolina.

Feelings were there.

This continued through the Winter. Visits were made, and annoyingly gushy phone calls were had.

All in all, we had dated several months before there was mention of any child in Missouri. Then there was a mention of an ex-wife. Oh wait... then there was the little detail that he and the "ex" wife weren't quite divorced yet. Oh yeah, and Jessica, there was a child too. And, ummmm, he would moving to Missouri in the Summer to be with the child.

As I considered the situation, it struck me that he had known about his wife and child all along. He just neglected to tell me about them because he suspected the wife-and-child-in-Missouri-scenario might be a problem for me.

It was.*

THE RAMIFICATIONS:

Ladies, calm down: the moral of this story is not that you can't ever trust a man. Women lie and deceive too. I've seen it happen. Get out your notebook because there are some other morals here, though. Are you ready?

1. Long distance relationships are perfect if you are trying to hide something. It might not be a wife and child... it might be an embarassing job or sibling. Perhaps you spend a lot of time in strip clubs or at the race track... Who's to know? Certainly not your long distance sweetheart. Note: Long distance marriages work well for the same reason... I'm sure wifey didn't know about me.

2. Charm often overshadows logic. I had a feeling that I was missing something about this guy. However, the charm was just too great for me. I was overwhelmed by it. So to all of my shady readers who want to deceive the opposite sex: Turn up that charm! It doesn't work all the time, but it's ALWAYS worth a try.

3.Privacy is overrated. I have had friends that have searched through their boyfriends phones, cracked their email accounts, and befriended family members to get the scoop on their man. If only I had thrown my own scruples to the wind! I could have very quickly learned that my boyfriend had a wife and child in Missouri. But what did I do? Trusted him. I didn't consider going through his mail. I didn't think about flipping through old receipts. I didn't try to chat up his coworkers. Hmph. That's what I get for respecting his privacy.

4. There is always a break-up story so shocking that anyone will leave you alone. We have all had that guy or girl that we have broken up with that has refused to leave us alone. I, for one, had overlooked a terrific breakup technique until this happened: Tell the person you're dumping a story so shocking that they will have to let go of the relationship. He used "I have a wife and child in Missouri." (Note: he really did. I actually met the daughter. Darling girl.) Relax, though. Your story would not even have to be true! It just has to be shocking. People have had good luck with both, "I'm pregnant with your brother's baby," and "I'm gay." The less shocking, "I miss having you as a friend," and, "I feel like we have different priorities," tend to encourage the dumped one to hang on to the relationship. Not good.

5. I am 'that girl.' You are too. (Unless you're male-- then you're 'that guy'...) You know-- that girl that messes around with someone else's husband... that tramp, that b- uh- brat... Readers: I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE THAT GIRL. When I realized that I was that girl, it gave me a new understanding about complicated situations, and made me realize how misunderstandings and little deceptions can compound before you know it... Even nice girls that mean well are 'that girl' sometimes... and usually it's on accident. Let's go a little easier on each other, and know that most of us mean well.

A toast: To my old boyfriend, now probably living near aforementioned wife (ex-wife now? I'll never know) and child: I wish you well, and hope that you aren't so traumatized by some of the decisions you made when you were young, that you can't enjoy your life as you get older.

*To those of you that already know this story-- You can tell I left out A LOT of relevant details... Just go with that. I'm not trying to tell anybody's life story here... I'm just a self-help blogger... you know, trying to help.

The Way of the Fake Crush (Q & A)

2009-11-12T16:58:00.007-05:00

I have introduced the topic of the ‘fake crush,’ among several friends, and while I think that everyone knows what it is, not everyone appreciates the value of the fake crush. For your reading pleasure and delight, I have provided answers for the most commonly asked questions about the phenomenon of the fake crush.

Q:What is a fake crush?

A:The fake crush is more common among females, although men do experience them as well. The fake crush consists of the crusher –this is the person who has the fake crush--- choosing to pay large amounts of attention to a man she does not know very well, but sees relatively often. (Coworkers are perfect for this) She does this for the purposes of gossip, daydreaming, and plotting.

The woman who has the fake crush does not have deep feelings for the man on whom she is ‘crushing.’ (Otherwise it would be a REAL crush) She has, however, identified several factors in the man that she approves of, including but not limited to: good looks, accessibility, friendly demeanor, and mixed messages. (Women love mixed messages) Basically, the fake crush is pseudo- romance for the sake of entertainment; everyone’s a winner.

Q:Who should have one?

A:Every single woman, and most single men should have one. The fake crush provides hours of amusement, giving women the chance to over-analyze situations they don’t care about very much, and giving men the excuse to daydream about a particularly curvy woman that they have no emotional attachment to.

Married folks should avoid fake crushes, as they should avoid most fun in general.

Q:What are the benefits of a fake crush?

A:1. The fake crush will keep your heart limber between relationships. Just like runners need to keep in shape between marathons, us daters can’t let ourselves get rusty.

2. The fake crush is better than cable. Everyone needs a little bit of drama to keep themselves going. A drama-less existence is boring, so if you lack drama, stir some up with a romance that’s all in your head!

3. The fake crush will enable you to bond with your friends. We all know how girls are. If you don’t have a man to talk about, you’d better make one up. The fake crush isn’t just for you… the fake crush is for your friend’s satisfaction too.

4. The fake crush sometimes seems like a real crush. If you don’t think about it too much, sometimes you forget that you are not emotionally attached to your fake crush and for a beautiful moment, you are looking at the world through the rosy eyes of romance. That’s always fun.

Q:Jessica, do you have a fake crush?

A:Of course I do! I like to practice what I preach.

I give my roommate periodic updates on him. Some more recent updates went like this, “Sarah! My fake crush* said I look nice today,” and, “I saw my fake crush talking to this other woman, but when I walked up, he winked at me.”

Q:Jessica, who is your fake crush? Do I know him?

A:Gentle reader! You are getting a little bit personal, here. But I know why you’re asking. You want a preapproved guy to have a fake crush on. That's not how it works, though. I'd rather teach you how to fish than give you a fish to have a crush on. Besides, this one's mine. Find your own fake crush because I’m not telling. :P

*Yes, I actually call him ‘fake crush’ behind his back. Isn’t that creepy?

The Way of the Spa in a Box

2009-11-06T16:36:00.005-05:00

I’ve made some semi-questionable financial decisions before, but this week I made one that was just borderline ridiculous.

You see, I’ve been having issues with a leak in my roof. I figured out that it would cost me a few hundred dollars to fix it, but I would still need a new roof in a couple of years. Patching did not seem like the best plan. A whole new roof would only be a couple thousand dollars more, you see, and wouldn’t need all this maintenance. The new roof seemed the wisest financial decision in the long run.

After careful consideration of these factors, I took out a small personal loan to cover the costs of a new roof.

That was last week.

Since then, I’ve called a few roofing places that have been recommended by friends, and for some reason it hasn’t worked out for anyone to give me an estimate. The longer that money has been sitting in my account, the less interested I’ve become in getting a new roof at all. Patching it up began to sound just fine to me.

You know what sounded like more fun than a new roof?

A hot tub.

I’ve always wanted a hot tub. You see, I’m a big relaxer… Sleeping, laying, and sitting are all super-fun activities to me… Add hot water to the mix, and I’m in heaven! For years, I’ve imagined what life would be like with a hot tub. I’ve dreamed about it and coveted it, but always knew it was out of reach for teacher-salary-me.

I’m sure you know where I’m going with this. There will be no new roof.
I did what any irresponsible-28-year-old would do. I ordered a Spa-in-the-Box. A cross between an inflatable hot tub, and one of those super-expensive luxury spas, a Spa-in-the-Box is a self-set-up, semi-economical, not-blow-up hot tub.

It’s not all impractical, though. I’ve already thought of numerous reasons, mostly related to my emotional health, that support this new purchase.

1. I can pretend to be sporty. For years, people have rolled their eyes at me in gentle mockery because I’m not an athlete. I don’t play basketball, go to the gym, or even walk fast. I kept telling them that I just hadn’t found my sport yet. Now I have! I will play every day! I will become a master, and eventually be contacted to enter the Olympics… I will be a hot tub tuber. After tubing, I will sit, lean, and lay. I will inspire young children with my greatness, and possibly even sign autographs.

2. I have an excuse to stay home. I love going out on the town. However, I also love staying home. I have not had great success telling people that I want to stay home to read a book, though. It’s not impressive. It doesn’t say, “I’m hip, I’m fun, I’m cool.” However, saying that I want to stay home to lay in my Spa-in-a-Box is definitely hip, fun, AND cool. As a matter of fact, I know for sure that some of my friends will be jealous. That’s okay. They can come over too.

3. I will now be irresistible to all men. Think about it: I’m already not ugly. And I don’t have a terrible personality. Besides that, I definitely have a cute dog. Add to these glowing recommendations a hot tub, and what do you have? Guaranteed attraction!

Some Spa-related pick-up lines I thought of last night:
“Want to come over to my place, and heat things up?”
“We can add to our chemistry with some spa Bromine.”
“Let me go change into something a little more comfortable, and join you in the hot tub.”
“Let’s make some waves.”

hot tub+ bad puns= irresistible me

Dear, gentle readers. For all these reasons, I am somewhat thankful that I made my ridiculous financial decision. I’m only young once. My new Spa-in-the-Box will arrive on Monday. Wish me luck assembling it, and… well, making it to work on Tuesday.

Oh- and if my roof ever starts leaking REALLY badly… I can just move the Spa-in-the Box under the leak to catch any unwanted precipitation.

The Way of Being Yourself

2009-10-11T18:42:00.009-04:00

When we're toddlers, we're taught to sit up, eat, walk, use the big-girl (or big-boy) potty, and not interrupt. Even at that tender, young age we get it: If we act this way, then we will be accepted.

As we grow up, the tasks become more complicated. By the time we hit middle school, we're not just expected to eat; we're expected to eat vegetables, to do it without complaining, and to chew with our mouths closed. Furthermore, it's not enough just to avoid interupting adults; we're expected to listen to them, to go to school, and to learn things. Event though it's a little trickier than we were young, we jump through these hoops. We want to be accepted, and at some visceral level we know that the expectations are basically the same all over the world... This is what civilized people do. This is how the world works.

Then high school hits, then college, then full-blown adulthood. Sure, the tasks are still there, but the advice changes. I mean, the same people that once told us to sit down and shut up are now saying: "Be yourself. Find what you're passionate about. Go against the flow. Be an individual!" Talk about mixed messages! On the one hand, we're trained to be like everyone else. On the other hand, however, we're told to create our own magical destinies based on our unique talents and interests.

We-fragile beings that we are- are left with a confusing quandry... Should we go through the motions of life, and do the best we can? I mean, we know how to do what we're told. That's pretty much what we've been doing forever and ever amen. We could keep doing that in our jobs, in our marriages, in our social lives... OR... and this is the abyss of confusion that many people fall into: Should we try to find ourselves and live with purpose and passion?

Friends, this is an issue heavy on my heart. Over and over again I've seen friends doubt their worth, question their identities, and spiral downward... all because of this played-up concept of "finding themselves." This ought not be! How could we continue to forget how commonplace we are? Examine the following example with me.

Here's how it begins: Some pseudo-intellectual speaker or friend makes Joe start thinking (thinking? gasp!) about his place in this world. The more Joe thinks about his life, the more important this whole idea of identity and finding himself becomes.

Obviously, who Joe is simply is not enough. (It never is.) This leads Joe to get new hobbies, read more, and buy stuff... all in an effort to define to himself who he is. Eventually, he will read a book he really likes, or maybe he'll start writing poetry, thus becoming more interesting to himself. (Nobody else wants to read Joe's poetry, anyway) Now then, the self-seeker, Joe, who is essentially the same person that grew up sitting down and shutting up on demand, imagines that he has found himself.

Finding himself is not quite enough for good old Joe, however. He immediately begins convincing others to do the same because he now imagines himself one of the enlightened.

Joe: Oh, you're experiencing some dissatisfaction in your life?

Some random person: Yes. I just feel like I'm going through the motions.

Joe: It sounds like you don't really know who you are or what you want to be doing with your life. You only get one life... you'd better read Such and Such Famous Self-Help Book before it's too late.

Joe could represent every identity-seeker I've ever met. You can see how this becomes a vicious cycle.

I hate to see my fellow-humans thoughtful or seeking. Consider Joe. He was so oblivious before the dissatisfaction hit. Now he wastes his time with poetry and idle chit chat. It seems like such a waste. What we really need in America is less time on our hands to worry about silly little things like finding ourselves. We need to get back to the basics: Eating, sleeping, working, and conversing on the weather.

Friends, this is not we were raised. We weren't brought up to worry ourselves with whether or not we should take up the harmonica or move to Italy! We need to refocus our energies on those things that are important! Our founding fathers would shudder to see all of the Americans scurrying about trying to make their lives meaningful. They knew the value of wearing matching white wigs and all looking the same! Thomas Jefferson never would've been caught dead wearing tie-dye!

Heed my advice before it is too late. Tell your friends... help them avoid the trap of self-discovery: Do what's expected of you. Stick to the minimum requirements. Avoid too much concentration or introspection because it's just not worth it, and at all costs avoid anything literary or artistic. Those ways are seductive, without substance, and full of free spirits

The minute you give up the idea of being different, unique... an individual, you will be more complacent. Your life will take on the peculiar safety of the unquestioning. It was so encouraging when I realized that there's nothing truly unique about any of us; I only hope it is just as encouraging for you.

*Free spirits must be avoided at all costs. They're contagious.

The Way of the Movers

2009-10-06T22:11:00.002-04:00

There is a small percentage of America that is restless at heart, and every few years they get the urge to move: new town, new job, new house. I never thought I'd be one of these. You see, I grew up as a military kid who lived in five different towns from Cape Cod, Massechusetts to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba before I finished high school... and each time we moved I thought my life was over. (I was-er- a sensitive child...) So as an adult, you'd think I'd stay put, right? Well, something changed, or broke, or maybe I just grew up because I find myself in the restless category now. Whereas for most of my life I clung to familiarity and hominess, now that I'm an adult I daydream about newness and change. Before I continue, let me be clear: I am not planning some massive move in the near future. I blog about the theoretical tonight.

Since high school I've added three major moves to my resume, and I doubt that will be the end of it. I am one of the most efficient box-packers on the planet. Friends call me when they move so that I can help them plan the packing process. (They don't ask me to help move furniture and do heavy lifting. I'm not sure why that is.) Suffice it to say, I have considered the benefits to being pseudo-nomadic, and I want to share those with you tonight.

Benefits of Moving

1. You never have to be sick of people for long. Starting to get tired of your friends and coworkers? I know. Sometimes it gets worse every day. It's the constant chatter, the negativity, the whining, the stupidity! Well, when you move to another state or town, you get a fresh crop of people to be frustrated with! Besides, it takes at least three months for someone to start getting under your skin. Enjoy that 90 days.

2. You can completely remake yourself. If you are a shy dork, obnoxious pervert, or irresponsible partier moving is your opportunity to change! Heck, you could even change your haircolor or your sexual orientation! When you move to a town where no one knows you, you can invent a whole new persona... a whole new past! Get creative! And if it doesn't work, just move again!

3. You can see who really cares. I think it's healthy to run close friendships and romantic relationships through tests. Moving is a great test. If a friend or significant other will follow you to a new town, then he or she passes the test! Otherwise- I hate to break it to you- he or she never really cared at all.

4. You can force your employer to see how valuable you really are. If you are feeling underappreciated at work, just move. See how your boss likes that. It's also much easier than suicide, which also would show your employer how much you contributed on the job.

5. You can escape your boring and mundane life. A move always livens things up... I mean, there's the packing, the new job, the unpacking, the new town... You'll be so busy for awhile! You won't have time to think about what a boring loser you are... at least until your settled in.

Ignore Mom and Dad's pleading for you to stay local. Forget your husband's whining about how he feels like he doesn't know you anymore. Uproot yourself. Move on with your life. Run away. Change.

Oh, and good luck. You can borrow my packing tape.

The Way of the Lucky

2009-10-03T12:44:00.015-04:00

When I was in ninth grade, the boys on the back of the bus used to have poker tournaments on the way to and from school. It took some whining and cajoling, but they finally let me play, even though I was "just a girl." As I remember it, I beat them badly two hands in a row. I'm talkin' Full House over pair kinda beat them... now, that was LUCK! I hadn't ever played poker before, and well, they didn't let me play again.

I used to deny the existence of luck. I used to think that luck was really some sort of blessing from On High. As I got older, I shifted to the theory that you make your own luck. Granted, I still think that intangible and mysterious thing we call luck may be a combination of all these realities, but perhaps there's something else going on for lucky people-- something perspective-based, and not reality-based at all.

Here's my idea in short: Luck is the PERCEPTION that good things happen to you all the time, leading to the EXPECTATION that good things will continue to happen, leading to the SELF-FULFILLED PROPHECY of luck-luck-luckiness!

Are you bummed out? Tired from overwork? Ignored by your friends and coworkers? Do you feel like you need a change in your luck? Take it from me- someone lucky, and try these tricks! (Proof that I'm lucky: 1. I won a wakeboard last week. 2. FOUR people baked me birthday cakes this week. There's more, but I'm sure that you're convinced...I define lucky.)

Ways to Get Lucky

*Don't get too excited friends. It's not that kind of blog.

Step 1: To change your luck, you have to change your perception of your luck. Think of the lamest, most unlucky person you know. His job sucks, his wife is mean, he's ugly, and every one makes fun of him behind his back. Oh, and he has lice and drives around his wife's Mary Kay convertible. Now compare yourself to this guy. No, you're not that ugly. And while your job is bad, it's not that bad. And even though your car keeps breaking down, at least it's not pink, right?

Step 2: Change your level of connection to reality... Drink more alcohol. I know what you're thinking. Heavy alcohol consumption is expensive. Perfect solution: buy a flask. That way you can buy your liquor in bulk and have it available at all times! I especially recommend this before you give a big presentation at work or meet your ex-wife to take custody of the kids for the weekend. Your newfound feelings of confidence will guarantee you a new level of luck.

Step 3: If the above two tricks don't work, try this one: Sleep A LOT. Go to work. Go home.

Get up, do it again. If you do this for long enough, your circumstances will change for the better without you having anything to do with it... how could you? You were in bed! It's one of the easiest ways to change your luck, according to experts. It could also indicate depression, but better be a lucky depressed gal than an unlucky one, right?

Step 4: Get props. Charms, clovers, and potions have all been amazingly successful at giving people a renewed sense of luck. Try it for yourself! And chant: "There's no place like home, there's no plac-" er, nevermind about the chanting.

Remember what you learned today. Change your perception of reality through unhealthy comparisons, alcoholism, sleep, or prop usage. Your luck is about to change. You might even win a wakeboard! I can feel it!

The Way of Male-Female Friendships

2009-09-23T19:30:00.006-04:00

I have had the following conversation, with some minor differences, three times in the past several weeks with three different male friends, all of varying levels of closeness to me:

Me: I've never been great at having guy friends.

Male Friend: Really? Why is that? You don't seem like you would have trouble.

Me: Yeah. It's not trouble exactly. It's just that I've always been hanguppy about having close male friends. For awhile I wasn't even sure that you could be good friends with someone of the opposite sex... You know, unless you're dating them, or whatever. (You said it. I'm super-articulate sometimes)

Male Friend: But you've changed?

Me: Sure. I've worked on it. Self-improvement, and all. Besides, like 50% of the world's population is male. I shouldn't discriminate.

Male Friend: I think it's like 48 or 49%.

Me: Still a big percentage.

Now, lest any of my readers think that I am just a selfish person, wanting to collect and tag friends, taking pictures of them so that I can prove that I have them, I just want to state for the record that being friends with me has it's rewards. It's not all one-sided. Ask my female friends, several of whom I've known since high school... Firstly, I cook. Also: I have a really cute dog. I'm sure there's other stuff good about me too, but I can't think of any, and I think that gives you a sufficient idea of what kind of friend I can be.

After considering the copious number of single female and male acquaintances who don't have opposite-sex friends, I decided to prepare this blog, and share what I've learned in the last couple of years. Go shopping! Trick a man or woman into being friends with you. Don't settle. Know your options. For those of you bargain hunting for the best value in opposite-sex friends, I've categorized different types of male-female friendships so that you can make an educated decision when you make your big platonic move.

The Work Friend

It is awesome to have an opposite-gender friend at work to hang with. I mean, work is dreary enough without some friendly conversation in the break room, right? Not to mention intense talks in the classroom (I'm a teacher, remember?), long walks to the faculty meeting, and office gossip about the administration. Then there's the fun that comes when coworkers start noticing that you and your opposite-gender friend are spending time together. Dissaproving glares combine with questioning words to create fun and mystery all around.

Cons? Well, sometimes your opposite-gender work friend will proposition you. That's awkward. Also, there are those times that you actually have to get work done, and there's your friend distracting you! (I know... doing work at work? Crazy.) Finally, heaven forbid you start getting sick of your work friend. Then he or she is around all the time... like some sort of chronic disease or something.

The Friend of a Friend

Probably the easiest way to find an opposite-gender friend is to appropriate one from a preexisting female or male friend. All you have to do is be more fun than your mutual friend for a short period of time. The opposite-gender friend will fly to you like a bee to honey... or your money back. One benefit of this kind of friend is there is a high probability that this opposite-sex friend will be worthy of you--- if you are already friends with the same people, it's like a written recommendation!

The problem with this kind of friend is that your mutual friend will probably begin to feel left out. And take a baseball bat to your car. One experience was recounted to me in which an ex-friend wrote: "You friend-whore! You'll never cheat on me again," in blood on the siding of friend-appropriater's house.

The Old Friend

Old friends are great because nostalgia is MAGIC. It's like fairy-dust sprinkled on top of good luck potion in the friendship-world. Run into someone you knew in college? Grab on to that. See someone on Facebook that you used to work with? Two words: I. M. And what about your old neighbor? Hire an investigator to find him! I'm telling you, the longer you've known someone, the more likely you are to be able to manipulate him or her into being friends with you.

Watch out, though. Old friends are kind of tricky because you knew them when you were cuter-uglier-better-funner-thinner-dumber. Anyone that has known you for a long time has that particular baggage: expectations. Ugh... gotta hate those! I mean, when people have expecations of you, you might actually dissapoint them, and then where would you be?

The-I-Only-Met-You-Once-But-I'm-Going-To-Keep-Your-Name-In-My-Cellphone-To-Make-Myself-Look-Popular Friend

This is the easiest and best type of opposite-gender friend because there's no actual... well, friendship. I mean, is anything easier than striking up a great conversation one time? I mean, you really only have to put in a half-hour's effort to obtain the number, and keep this kind of friend.

I'm sure there are drawbacks to this type of friend, but I can't think of any.

I do feel that I should give you fair warnings about all of the above opposite gender friends. After all, surprising as it is, deliberately tricking people of the opposite sex into being friends with you has it's risks:

1. Uncomfortable feelings may develop. You gotta hate romance and attraction. Especially when it's only one-sided. Watch out for this.

2. Wives and girlfriends may become resentful. I've seen it before. And even though as an opposite-gender friend you want to position yourself as the number one person in your new friend's life, know that spouses will try to undermine you. Don't give up! Also, you may want to avoid spending time at night with your opposite-gender friend wearing lingerie. This does not typically turn out well.

3. Your friend may actually come to rely on you. The bummer about male-female friendships is that sometimes they get to the point where you feel like you have to act like a friend... like call when your friend is sick, or listen to your friend's problems. That's when you'll have to decide if it's really all worth it.

Final thoughts: Even though I have been lucky to find some male friends, there are openings still available. Don't despair! You too may be lucky enough to hang out with my cute dog!

Never forget to repeat this phrase over and over before spending any time with an opposite-gender friend: Just friends, just friends, just friends... It's a mantra many live by!

The Way of Hell's Kitchen

2009-09-20T12:22:00.007-04:00

I like to cook. That's not why I like Hell's Kitchen, though. I'm not even a yeller, a cusser, or a throw-things-in-anger gal. I don't live in California. I'm not even a fan of crying in public. I hate complaining, whining, and mean people. So what is it about Hell's Kitchen that I relate so deeply to? What is it about Gordon Ramsay that I respect so much? What deep eternal truth lies imbedded in this reality show that has so many others cringing in annoyance? What, besides inertia, had me glued to my computer monitor for four hours yesterday watching wannabe Ramsayites jump through hoops for their idol?

xxx

At first I tried to justify my zealousness with the fact that these cooks are working hard to reach their goals. I watch it for inspiration, ok? It's the American Dream, Cooking Version. Or maybe the story has me intrigued. Interesting storyline? Ha. Guess again. You see where I'm going with this. My interest is not so high and holy as all that.

xxx

On the contrary, I think there's a little Gordon Ramsay living inside of me. The Ramsay in me calls to the one on the screen... As sweet, kind, innocent, and genteel as I am (It's my blog; I can talk myself up if I want to!) , there's a 6'4" red-faced man trying to get out. His eyes are seeking out stupidity, ready to destroy. He's screaming profanities at inept, stupid, and lazy people. If only I could be like that when I grow up. He's so great: while I go out of my way to make people feel good about themselves, he's undermining them, calling them "useless cows." And the genteel lady inside me is secretly agreeing.

xxx

Symbol for truth and honor, Gordon Ramsay is more about justice than politeness. He's fighting an old-fashioned war against good self-images everywhere. He's going to tear you down- not to build you up-- but to kick you off of his show. And, much like Faust's Mephistopheles, he has wormed his way into my inner consciousness so much as to become a tangible presence. He's real to me... more real than the figure on the screen... My darker side welcomes him, invites him to make himself at home... and cooks him dinner.

xxx

That's the thing about our inner Gordon Ramsays. At some point, we make them dinner, or invite them to play golf with us, perhaps share in a nightcap-- and then it's all over:

True to form, Gordon spit out the savory meal that I prepared him. After insulting my cooking, my mother, and my future, he knocked down my lofty dreams of being just like him-- a snarling British chef with anger problems- and tells me to f&%$ off.

xxx

I got it. I'm a pretty smart girl, and can take a hint. I'm not tough enough or mean enough to channel even half of Ramsay's quest for justice and truth. He should have told me to f *&^ off. He's usually right. After all, his purposeful cussing is out of my league. And even though I do have an innate superiority complex, it's not enough to make me as mean as I'd like to be. He gives me the timely reminder that I'm not good enough, will never achieve my dreams, and that he feels sorry for me.

xxx

Which is why I like to watch Hell's Kitchen. I'll never be half the man Gordon Ramsay is (which, arguably, is a good thing), but I can watch, and learn, and hope. Maybe I'll become more crotchety as I get older. Perhaps I'll even start throwing things. For now, I'll just do what I can do... study and pray, and hope that everything turns out for the best.

xxx

Hell's Kitchen is on Fox Tuesday's at 8:00 pm

The Way of the Jackass

2009-09-16T09:10:00.001-04:00

Conservative or liberal, black or white, pro-public option or anti, everyone agrees that President Obama has a way with words. Articulate and inspiring, he has moved Americans in an unprecedented way. And over the weekend, he commented that Kanye West was a jackass. Even though his comments were off the record, they were still apt and precise...

If you recall, on Sunday at the VMA Awards Ceremony, upon the announcement of Taylor Swift receiving the VMA for Best Female Video, Kanye came onstage, took her mike, and announced that Beyonce should have won that award. The crowd immediately booed him and he ended up apologizing the next day for his rude behavior. Thank you to President Obama for saying what everyone else was thinking. I, for one, am surprised Taylor Swift did not turn to him and say, "How could you be so heartless?"

It reminded me of another incident that occured last week. Remember when President Obama was giving his healthcare speech and Congressman Joe Wilson called out, "That is a lie!" I wonder what Obama said off-the-record to that comment. I guess we'll never know. Our good friend Joe apologized as well, of course, but as of yesterday his office informed the press that he was tired of apologizing, and he would like to get back to doing his job, please.

Now I know many men and women that wish they could act with the courage of these two men: To stand up for what they truly believe! To stand up for it whenever and wherever they feel like it! To stand on the 1st ammendment as if it were a fortress of protection from any kind of consequences... There is so much for us to learn from Joe and Kanye that I hardly even know where to begin!

From my cursory study of the subject, I've actually found that there are steps one must fill in order to act like a complete jackass. I hope they help you reach your goals.

Step One: Be super-opinionated. Have you ever noticed that super-sweet and soft spoken people never act like jackasses. Resist the urge to remain neutral. You have a brain: develop opinons. Oh, and don't just stick to things you know about. Develop opinions on things you haven't researched, like Fossil Fuel, or Evolution maybe.

Step Two: Never bite your tongue. I don't care if you're in a crowded and formal awards ceremony, or in the White House. You are the most important person there. Therefore, your opinions are the most important. Get it off your chest. Share. Don't be shy.

Step Three: Be as abrasive as possible. There's always a nice way to communicate. That's for wusses! Step it up, friend.

Step Four: This step is optional, but neccessary if you want to be an Undercover Jackass, instead of an obvious one. Apologize. Be sincere, or fake it; it doesn't really matter. Americans are kinda dumb anyway, and we don't know the difference.

Jackasses get all kinds of things the rest of us don't get. For example: attention, ummm attention, and, well, attention. Even this blog proves that. Doing good and promoting kindness don't get any attention, so forget that idea fast.

Finally: Kanye, I still love you. You've done much stupider things than this before, and I still stand by you. It's an unconditional love kinda thing. You just need to keep doing what you do best: Performing in large shows where you're the center of attention. That way, it's impossible to steal someone else's thunder... you get to have all the thunder, anyway. And always remember:"Jesus walks/ God show me the way cuz the devil tryin' to bring me down/ Jesus walks with us..."

Peace, ya'll.

The Way of Man's Best Friend

2009-09-15T19:54:00.003-04:00

Dear readers, it's your favorite mini-dog again, here to share with you my unique perspective on life; specifically, what makes a good dog.

Actually, mom's under the weather, so she asked me to take care of a blog entry for her. She wanted me to write about what type of dogfood her readers should buy. Yeah, right, mom. No one would read that one. But I just told her I'd take care of it. (Rule #1 about Jessica Robison: humor her!)

Back to my topic: Many of you that know my mom prides herself on her independence: independent mind, independent emotions, yadda, yadda, yadda. I mean, don't get me wrong, she's a pretty cool lady, but man does she fall apart sometimes! That's where I come in... Man's best friend to the rescue!

Note: If there were a man around, I would definitely hang out with him more than my mom... hence the popularized phrase, "Man's best friend..." I mean, I'm not like a momma's-boy-prissy-girl-dog or anything. I'm a man's dog. It's just that mom's all I got, and all. I gotta watch her back.

Anyway, I digress. What I really want to share with you, faithful readers, is a little something I've been working on in my free time. Over the past months, I've been working on a dog-code: How dogs should treat their humans. This is what I've come up with so far. I'd appreciate any thoughts from other dogs or dog-parents.

Responsibilities of Man's Best Friend

1. Your dog should be ready with advice for you. Everyone knows that humans are fallible. They get emotional, they cry (yawn), and they make stupid decisions. They need someone-four legged, preferably- to point them in the right direction. The best way to combat human fallibility is with cannie smarts. (That sounds like a bumper sticker!)

2. Your dog should be ready to snuggle. I know. This one's tough for manly dogs like myself. Thing is- this one's really important to you humans... especially humans that had a bad day or are lonely or something. Furthermore, when your dog acts like he loves getting petted, studies show that it will actually boost your self esteem. There's an old saying on the street: "When your human's happy, everybody's happy."

3. Your dog should know when to say enough's enough. No offense, but you humans are so dense sometimes! When my mom got home on Saturday after being downtown all day, and told me she was still sick, I told her to make that doctor's appointment immediately. I informed her there was no excuse to ignore her sickness anymore, except possibly laziness. (Don't worry about our relationship-- it's okay if she reads this part. She knows I think she's lazy.)

4. Your dog should know when to act dumb. Listen. I know when something's going on... something shady. I also know that snitches get stitches. When the cops come around, you know I don't know nothin'.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking right now: Man, my dog doesn't do all of that for me! I need a new dog! Where can I find one like you, oh four-pound-god-among-dogs-Othello?

Listen. You don't need a new dog. If you've found a dog already that puts up with your crap, you're lucky. You may want to pass along some hints to your pooch, though, like leaving this blog open on your computer moniter.

I also give inspirational talks at the Y sometimes. The next one is on the 22nd, and the title is "Stop Begging. Get What You Want With Pride."

If you don't have a dog at all, that's another matter. I'm willing to be hired on an hourly basis, but my fee's pretty steep. (I am, after all, a leader of the pack.) If you can provide transportation, make it worth my while, and ESPECIALLY if there are cute terrier ladies in the hood, then you have yourself a deal.

Live. Bark. Love.

The Way of Keeping Friendships Alive

2009-09-06T11:17:00.005-04:00

There are two things in life you just can't have too much of: friends and money. While I'd rather be a money expert, I'm really more of a friendship guru; therefore, amigos are the topic on the table today.

Now, anyone can make a friend. Remember Jenny, the obnoxiously overwieght gal you went to school with-- the one who picked her nose openly and drooled when she ate? Yes, even she can make a friend. The difficulty lies in KEEPING that friend.

Let me break it down another way: Friendships are like rafts built by ten-year-olds. They'll float for awhile, but the odds are they will sink. However, with some help from a friendship expert (that's me!), your friendships can be weatherproofed against any storm.

Tips for Keeping All Your Friends

1. Quickly find out all of their secrets... skeletons in the closet, hidden desires, etc... Once you establish yourself as a confidant, they are stuck with you! Your friend will see you as someone they can't ever get rid of... you know too much.

2. Talk badly about all of their other friends. By tearing the other friends down, you will be able to set yourself up on a pedestal. All others much bow before your invaluable friendliness.

3. Keep lists of all the favors you do for your friend. Did you help her move? Write it down, and be specific. (Ex: Helped Shawna move. Spent 7 and a half hours boxing up kitchen and bathrooms) Did you talk her through a bad breakup? Write it down. Did you help him pick out an outfit? Lay down tile? Hang a towel rack? Write it all down! This list is basically your insurance against that friend ever moving on to greener friendship-pastures. The second she starts phasing you out, show her the list and threaten to bring this information before the new friend. After all, if she'd leave you after all you've done for her, she'll leave the next friend too.

4. Follow up everything your friend says with, "And how do you feel about that?" I learned this technique in a college psychology class. This shows you care, and helps you and your friend bond, whether your friend wants to bond or not. Questions like, "What did you do last night? And who did you have lunch with? And what grocery store do you shop in?" are also generally well-received.

5. Always compare events in your friend's life with events in your own. Most of you probably already know this trick, but it is so handy that I want to review it anyway. Let's say your friend is having problems at work, so he tells you all about it. Instead of waiting to hear all of his story, immediately begin to tell him about all of YOUR problems at work. This is especially helpful if you are able to one-up your friend, emphasizing the point that your problems are worse.

6. Worm your way into your friend's family life. The more family members you ingratiate m9into your circle, the more likely you are to be a long-term friend. Go on vacation with the family, drop in uninvited, and DEFINITELY hang out alone with your friend's spouse or significant other... that always wins brownie points!

7. Make spreadsheets of your friend's schedules. That way, you'll know when to call them and text them so they have no excuses to ignore you. Feeling ignored or slighted in any way is unacceptable.

8. Fake interest in the same activities your friend enjoys. Shared interests help people bond! I would never be so rigid as to say that you should actually share interests with your friends... that would be silly... Just study up enough to be able to act like you have some background in the area of interest.

9. Just "show up" places where you know your friend will be. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Don't give your friend a chance to miss you-- because what if they don't? Then they'll realize your friendship isn't that important to them. Be around! Oh, and when you show up places where your friend is, make sure you're alone so you have plenty of time to monopolize their attention.

10. Memorize all of your friend's Facebook friends, and friend them yourself, making yourself seem both indispensable and omnipresent.

If you follow the above tips, I guarantee you will never say any of the following things again: "So and so and I used to be friends," or "I don't know why so and so doesn't return my calls," or, "I wonder what ever happened to so and so." Those days are gone! The days of celebrating "Friendship Anniversaries" are right around the corner!

*Note: In order to be a really good friend, you may have to cut into hours that you spend with your own family or significant other. You may also have to quit your job. But never fear, faithful readers, it's worth it!

The Way of the Hit Rap Song

2009-09-03T16:51:00.003-04:00

My love for rap music and my training in literary analysis had to come together eventually, and this is the day, my friends. *Disclaimer: If you do not like Rap/ Hip Hop Music, I promise you will be offended by this entry. If all of my Bible College friends would please stop reading now, I'd appreciate it. No, seriously.

Every child, whether they grow up in a mansion in Beverly Hills, or on a street corner in Brooklyn wants to record a hit rap album. How to do it? THAT is the question. Being the pretty-fly-for-a-white-girl blogger that I am, I am going to help you make your long-repressed dreams come true!

Now, I would not claim to be any kind of expert in the areas of rhythm or music. I also continue to be woefully inadequate when it comes to Freestyle Rap(although I have some friends that can really lay it down!) but I have done thorough research in what subject matter makes a hit... (You may want to print this out for future reference)

Essentials for YOUR hit rap song:

1. In your song, you must include references to Patron or other alcohol. This is not negotiable. If your song does not create images of drunken orgies in the listener's minds, it will not be a hit. People have doubted me on this point before. I would give you their names, but you would not recognize them, because they FAILED at music recording--they would not take my sage advice.

2. You must describe, in detail, someone's sexy body. You may emphasize upper areas, or lower areas, but the more graphically specific the description is, the better the song will be received.

3. Integrate your swag- or for you laymen, your style, into the song. No self-respecting rap-music-afficionado would ever listen to a rapper with no swag! It would be unheard of! Demeaning! So tell your listeners about your swag-- don't hide it under a bucket (NO!) Let it shine.

4. You should include some sort of threat for haters. Face it, to get along in the world of rap music, you should have haters. (The haters only make me stronger!) Show your listeners how tough you are: 1)Throw out some idle threats out into the vague universe of haters. 2) Don't worry, there's no risk in doing this... since the threat is not for any specific person or group of people, no one will feel threatened. No harm, no foul.

5. Not only do you want to thoroughly describe someone's sexy body (see point number 2), you should also discuss what actions you would like to perform on aforementioned person's sexy body. Why? The hit rap song always pushes the envelope of propriety. Enough said.

6. If possible, integrate the American Dream theme. It's the classic rap narrative: You came up from nothing, and now you're really something... you know, with all the money and the hoes etc. While your listeners may not necessarily relate to this theme, (Who really has all the money and all the hoes? Seriously?) they all want to relate to this theme... so they'll just listen to your song in the meantime.

7. Please discuss all of the money, paper, cheddar, lettuce, bank, stacks, etc that you are making. If you are dirt-poor, fabricate wealth and lie through your teeth. The hit rap artist must be GETTIN' PAID, even if he's only hood rich!

8. On background noise: Get your buddies to laugh in the background while you're recording. It's worked well for TI, Lil' Wayne and many others. I think it creates an atmosphere of fun, while also presenting a certain level of confidence: No matter what you record, that sh*^ will sell! Also, police sirens contribute to the thugishness of the hit. Your listeners love to imagine that you are about to get locked up at any moment.

9. There are only three safe settings for your rap song: the bedroom, your car (and it better be a big one!), and the club. You heard it here first: do not deviate from these three settings if you want a hit.

10. On language: This one's your choice: You either need 1) Tons of profanity. Definitely enough to ensure a Parental Advisory so that all the preteens want your album, or 2)Lots of bleeping out so that aforementioned preteens can substitute their own profanity, and work on their creative writing skills.

Note: the more of the above elements you include, the better the song.

Some people would tell you to write from your heart, be true to yourself, and just do you. These people are just trying to lead you astray. If you're not hood, you'd better fake it. If you're not fly, you'd better front. And if you're not beligerent, step back mothereffer...

Cheers.

The Way of the Emotionally Unavailable

2009-09-01T21:20:00.004-04:00

Last Thursday I enjoyed happy hour with some friends, and as often happens sitting on barstools on weekday afternoons, the conversation turned thoughtful.

My friend was telling me that she thinks there are a ton of great single gals in our town, but not many great single guys. I respectfully disagreed with her, and was explaining my position, from the perspective of a single girl (making me super-credible, obviously) when she cut me off with these words: "But Jessica. I don't think of you as single."

Now this one threw me for a loop. I backtracked. "I define singleness as someone not in a comitted relationship with a member of the opposite sex. My dog doesn't count. What am I missing here?In my opinion, I define single."

She went on to tell me, citing examples, why she thought this. Firstly, she said that she did not think that if I met a cool guy right now I would date him. Her premise was that as much as I think I'm open to a new romance, in actuality it would be difficult for a guy to worm his way into my affections. She did back up her perspective with data, including my recent (non)dating record (I have not tended to follow through lately when I've been asked out by semi-attractive men), my busy-ness level (What? I've got a lot going on), and my overall contentedness in my present state (Which is singleness. Duh.).

In her mind, these factors take me out of the realm of the average single girl- the girl ready to jump into a relationship as long as the guy is moderately acceptable. As a matter of fact, this took me so far out of that realm, that her mind does not even lump me in with her other single friends. (!?)This put me into another category-- the category of the (drum roll, please...) emotionally unavailable.

Enough about my Thursday Happy Hour conversation. I haven't decided yet if I really am emotionally unavailable. If I am, I'm sure it's a short-lived phase. I'd prefer to think I'm available and well-adjusted, but there are some benefits if I really am emotionally unavailable:

Pros to Emotional Unavailability
-You become instantly more attractive when the opposite sex realizes you're not neccessarily looking for a relationship.
-You can focus on what's really important: making money.
-A lot of time is saved. You can take all that time you used to spend looking for a significant other, add all the time spent thinking about how you don't have a significant other, and invest it in other areas of your life. You could be a workaholic! Or an alcoholic! The options are endless.
-You can be truly breezy.http://http://theblog-less-travelled.blogspot.com/2009/07/way-of-breezy.html I'd say only the emotionally unavailable are truly breezy.
-When your emotions aren't involved, you can be free to have meaningless hook-ups without remorse.

Unfortunately, as with every good thing, there are some downsides to emotional unavailability...
Cons to Emotional Unavailability
-The main goal of life is to fit in, right? The emotionally unavailable do not fit in to the whole hurry-up-and-get-married-scheme going on here in South Carolina.
-You will always have to explain yourself, or be willing to go on blind dates. (This is only true if you're female. Men usually get congratulated for staying single. They usually don't even have to use phrases like "emotional unavailability" to explain themselves.)
-You'll be alone. Forever. Childless. Oh... and ALONE.

Last thoughts: In the final analysis, emotional unavailability is not a black or white issue... there are degrees. On the emotional unavailability scale, I'm probably about 67% Temporarily Emotionally Unavailable. That means not all of the pros and cons apply to me, but a good number do. It's not right. It's not wrong. It's just life...

I think that for some people emotional unavailability comes naturally, but some have to learn it. If, after reading this post you want to give it a try, do it! And don't worry, you don't have to make a lifetime commitment to it. The emotionally unavailable are noncommital by definition, anyway. You can leave it at any time for it's more commital step-sister: Emotional Neediness.

Peace.

The Way of the Professional

2009-08-30T09:29:00.005-04:00

My dearest readers, I have been back to work for exactly three weeks now. There is so much that someone like me can learn in three weeks, and I can't wait to share my findings with you!

In my never-ending quest to become the kind of star employee that no one would ever consider firing, I have taken to studying the habits of my bosses. I mean, not in a weird-stalker kind of way, just in a I-want-to-be-exactly-like-you-so-I-can-have-job-security kind of way. I have observed the following predictable habits: patience, firmness, clear expectations, work ethic, etc, but I have found some surprising things as well!

Before I continue, I'm going to share just a little bit about my workforce makeup. Namely, everyone is my boss. You see, I'm but a lowly teacher in a 900-student High School. Many people are in charge of me... There's my Department Head, the Curriculum Principal, the Other Principal, the Dean of Students, etc, etc, etc...

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Even people that definitely aren't my boss, think they're my boss. Like our copy lady, for example. She definitely thinks she's my boss, and often tells me what to do in a wonderfully abrasive manner. (She's especially amazing because she does not limit her directions to work-related topics, but also asks invasive questions about my personal life. Then she proceeds to tell me what I need to do to find a husband, among other things. So thoughtful of her!) In summary, I have MANY bosses.

Good ones.

Tall ones.

Mean ones.

Small ones.

If you stand all my bosses in a row, it would be impossible to know which one to follow...

So what I did was choose the boss that I understood the least for this analysis, namely Mr. Karrison*. I figured that he had the most to teach me-- his work habits have been a mystery to me for three years. With a little bit of imagination and determination, I have pieced together the professional habits he uses as his personal professional code, and what motivates him to act this way. I know that my readers, always wanting to excel in the workplace, will benefit from this.

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Karrison's Workforce Habits to Live By

1. Be scary. Did you know that acting like a big bully is one of the main things that keep employees in line? I didn't either, until I saw Karrison in action! It definitely works on me! Whenever I have something I need to talk to him about, he makes a sarcastic remark & yells at me until I go away. It works every time, like magic. I can't wait to have my own employees to try this out on! Yay, intimidation!

2. Make illogical decisions. I could list dozens of examples for this, but I will choose a recent one. Near the beginning of the year, I was told to move my classroom down the hall to be closer to the English Department. This move would take me eight hours, and move me away from two English teachers, but put me closer to two other English teachers. Silly me, I tried to talk to Mr. Karrison about this decision, and convince him to let me stay in my old classroom. In his infinite wisdom, he would not converse with me about it at all, and simply told me to, "Do what you're told. I will win this. You know who the boss is around here." By following through with his illogical decision, and showing a complete lack of concern for any extra hours I would have to work, he reminded me that logic does not rule in the workplace, power rules in the workplace. It was a great object lesson that I got to meditate on for eight hours, as I was moving my classroom!

3. Make easy things difficult. If there's a misunderstanding to be had, or anyone to annoy, trust Mr. Karrison to do it! It's amazing! And he has forms gallore! You want to do such-and-such with your students? Fill out this 34 page long form! He's also great at undermining his colleagues' work... You send me a discipline form on a student? That's fine- I'll just throw it away in front of the student, and let that student tell you that it was filled out incorrectly! This forces his employees to be resourceful, always working hard to compensate for the easy-tasks-made-difficult.

4. Befriend powerful people. By pouring all the negative energy inside him out on employees, Mr. Karrison reserves his positivity for other administrators. Readers: save your smiles, intelligence, and communicative skills for the people that matter-- important people. By avoiding any kind of positive interaction with people that work for you, you can store all of your good vibes for the people you work for, thus impressing them more than people that are more consistently polite and humane to their employees. It's brilliant!

5. Avoid eye contact. This was definitely a new one for me. It conveys the message, "I don't care enough about you, or what you're saying, to look at you." This message comes in handy more often than you'd ever know without Mr. K's mentorship! This way, employees always feel that they are asking a favor, or spending some of your valuable time, and they will leave as soon as possible.

6. Act busy. Karrison's formula:

Don't answer phone+Don't answer email+Never be in office= Little interaction with employees.

Karrison does let us know that the busy-ness is an act, though, because he's always standing around in the school's foyer chatting it up with the coaches.

7. Collect a large paycheck. By getting paid a lot of money, Karrison lets the rest of the staff know how worthwile he is to our school district. This is tangible and unarguable proof of his value.

8. Mumble. One of my favorite things about Karrison is his insistence on mumbling. If, by some miraculous twist of fate, I am able to track him down with my question or concern, I can hardly understand his answer to me. The man is a genius! That way, he has plausible deniability for anything I claim he said.

Example:

Me: Mr. Karrison, I need more referral forms. My fourth block is acting crazy, and I need to hold them accountable.

Mr. K: Did you mph to the mphhhhch? And BLmmph!!! (Mr. K walks away. He does not give me any forms.)

Me: (Acting like I understand. Wondering if I can break into his office and steal the referral forms.)Yes, sir. Right away.

I hope this list of professional habits helps you out. Mr. Karrison's creative problem-solving approaches are guaranteed to work in any work setting. You know what they say, start acting like a boss, and one day you will be one!

*Name has been changed to protect my paycheck.

The Way of the Guilt Trip

2009-08-11T23:47:00.000-04:00

Most of my life has been spent fighting misplaced feelings of guilt. Now that I've mostly shaken off these shackles, I've become eager to learn how to entrap others with the powerful chains of guilt. I mean, think about the enormous power a little bit of shame brings with it: it convinces people not to do things they want to do, and it pushes people to do things that they don't want to do. What is the difference between someone who does primarily what they want to do, and someone who does primarily what other people want them to do? No, not responsibility. GUILT!

It's time to harness this powerful force to use on the people in our lives. Friends, family members: I want to control you! But, since I'm a basically altruistic person, I also want to give you the power to control others, so I'm sharing everything I know.

Note: For the purposes of this blog, the person you are trying to manipulate will be called the victim, and you will be called the GM (Guilt Master).

My favorite techniques:

1. Act sensitive. Certain key phrases will make your victim feel like she wants to comfort you by doing what you want. "I'm lonely," "I miss you," and any story that ends with "Then, I started crying," or "I went to the hospital from self-inflicted cuts" gives the victim incentive to come to your aid. A GM will know exactly what to say to enforce pity in her victim. Your false sensitivity will have you surrounded by well-wishers, and people that will cook & clean for you. They may even give you money.

2. Act dissapointed. You want someone to do something with you? Maybe attend a concert or come to your party? He's busy? I know. He always says that he has family in town, or a prior engagement, or he has to work. Whatever. Nothing's more important than doing what you want to do, with whomever you want. As a GM, his commitments ARE NOT your concern. Make sure this boundary is clear; you will not be responsible for his baggage. Share your dissapointment with him. Don't mince words. Cry, if possible. Just do whatever it takes to bring about the desired level of guilt that will bend the victim to your will.

3. Act weary. Have you ever noticed how nice people are to someone that is consistently crabby? These people are GMs, plain and simple. They know that unpleasant and tired people are rewarded for their unpleasantness. Well-adjusted people think that the weary ones must have hard jobs or difficult lives, so they are EXTRA nice. Make your victim feel badly for you by creating a persona of weariness. The guilt caused by your supposedly sad life will have your victim wrapped around your little finger.

4. Use repetition. If your first try at manipulation doesn't work, keep at it! Everyone responds well to being asked to do the same thing over and over again. For example, GMs are confident to ask for favors ten to twenty times. This way, victims become convinced that the GM cannot accomplish the favor themselves, or else they would not be so annoying, and start to feel badly for not complying sooner. It's beautiful!

5. Use evidence. Keep notes on how your victim has failed you in the past. Keep track of your victim's character flaws with illustrations, so that you're ready to use it at any moment. As a GM, you will become adept at slipping in subtle guilt-causing, conscience-stinging comments to keep your victim in line.

Whenever I'm feeling down, I just remind myself that the opportunities to control other people's lives are limitless. You too can hone your skills of manipulation! All it takes is a little bit of practice, and a lot of willingness to make other people feel sorry for you! A large return for a small investment, if you ask me...

The Way of Rod Stewart

2009-08-08T20:37:00.004-04:00

It has been brought to my attention that my blog has been giving a little too much advice to my ladies, and not quite enough to my male readers. I'm all about equal time, and determined to make up for that tonight.

The main question men ask me is: Jessica, how can I get a girl to like me? Date me? Spend any amount of time with me?

Fellas, do I have a role model for you! Lest my blog title and image have not yet given it away, hear me when I tell you that analyzing the mojo of Rod Stewart will gaurantee you success with women of all shapes and styles.

1. Be rich. Women love a rich man. Do I have to explain this? Buy us dinner, jewelry, and hot tubs. Support us so that we can stay home and blog all day. Rod Stewart has obviously perfected my number one, and most important tip- wealth.

2. Lie. I am so sick of men coming to me, saying things like, "I'm interested in this girl. She's got a great body, but she's not very pretty. What do I say when she asks me how she looks?" Or, "I'm not sure how I feel about this worman, but I want to keep spending time with her, and she keeps asking me if I really care." Seriously, guys? I'm going to teach you a lesson that you can apply to many other areas of your life. Tell her what she wants to hear. You're not dumb. You know what she wants you to say. Forget integrity; it's overrated! Your newfound dishonesty will make life so much easier for you, and she will be happier too!

3. Sing. Confidently and proudly. This has worked for hundreds of thousands of men. If you don't want to rely on only one example for proof of success, never fear! Here are some men, other than Rod Stewart who sing and get women: Sinatra, Usher, and of course Joe Jonas. Start with Karaoke, and move on from there. Don't have a great voice? Didn't stop Bob Dylan, and he certainly had plenty of girlfriends because he pushed through and sang anyway.

4. Travel. All women secretly want a break from their significant other. Some want it to relax with the girls, some want personal time, and some want the opportunity to cheat on you. Spend some time on the road to give your special lady time to herself! It works for Rod! He travels about 45% of the year...

5. Say, "I love you." Women want to hear this, and it will help you hold on to your lady friend because these are magic words in Femaleland. More effective than sparkle dust, these three words were used by Rod for all three of his marriages, and a healthy sprinkling of his extramarital affairs. His songs, "Have I Told You Lately," and "All For Love" exemplify his usage of this concept. Be careful with this phrase, though, and only use it if you are insincere (see Tip #2) because if you tell a woman this, and you are not lying, then she has all the power. You never want the woman to have all the power.

6. Don't ask. Tell. If there's a specific behavior that you would like to see from your special lady, don't ask her. Tell her. A great example is from Rod Stewart's song "Tonight's the Night": "Tonight's the night/ It's gonna be all right/ Cuz I love ya, girl and ain't nobody gonna stop us now." Firstly, note the usage of "I love ya." Very effectively done, Rod. Kudos. You definitely didn't mean it. Also, note the demanding tone. Compare that with this0 the same content with questioning tone: "Can we make tonight the night? /Would it be alright? / I love you. Do you think someone will stop us?" Lame, right? In summary: Men. We just want you to tell us what to do.

7. Get distinctive hair. Rod has his rooster-do, but there are other styles that are just as effective. For example: the rat tail and mullet both attract certain types of classy women.

8. Win a following with middle-aged women. They are easier to win over than the younger crowd, but once you get the buzz going about you, younger and hotter women are sure to catch on.

9. Be sporty. Look at Rod. Do you think he would have been so successful had he not been a soccer player? Of course not. Women like to know that their men do man-things... sporty things. Are you poetic? Great! But you'd better lift weights too. Like to shop? Wonderful! Go play some beach volleyball. Get in touch with that inner manly-man, and watch her heart go all aflutter.

If you can learn to do at least six of these nine things well, you are on your way to being successful with the ladies. And if you can only manage to accomplish #1, go ahead and give me a call anyway.

To leave you with one final inspirational thought, Rod's still got it goin' on! He recently said, "I've never been more in love with anyone nearly half my age than I am today. I'd get married in a minute if I weren't still married to someone else." Look at him! Still with the young/hot ones at his age! Way to be a role model, Rod! Learn my tips. Live them, and one day you too could be trading in wife #2 for a woman 35 years younger than you!

The Way of Self-Blame

2009-08-06T23:37:00.004-04:00

Lately, I've been in numerous conversations that begin like this: "Jessica! I just don't know what's wrong with me! What is my problem?" These individuals come to me, having recently experienced work, relationship, and academic failure. I guess since I write a self-help blog, people have really come to rely on me for advice. Who better to turn to in times of need? I appreciate their trust.

I mean, I guess I do have pretty impressive credentials: I've blogged on many important issues for like two months. Oh, and I have an English Degree. Take that, Dr. Laura. And Oprah. Boo-yah.

Now that I've fully established my credibility, I'm going to answer you: This is what is wrong with you:

1. You're stupid. When you sit in conversations with your coworkers, not understanding most of what they're talking about, that's not normal. I know, I know. You've been telling yourself that everyone feels enormously confused at work on a daily basis, but this just is not true. You're probably just dumb. That's why your boss doesn't trust you to do anything other than collate papers. That's why, when your girlfriend asks you what you're thinking about, and you respond, "Nothing," she looks worried. That's why you had to cheat through middle school.

Don't worry! There's hope for you! There are many stupid people in this world. A suggestion for helping relationally: I would recommend dating someone significantly younger than you, and hope that helps hide your stupidity. Oftentimes, younger people just assume any kind of disconnect is due to the age difference. For work-related confusion, just stop talking. Getting your friend or boss to explain something to you won't help anyway; you still won't get it, so you're better off to just hide the fact that you don't understand. You'll be shocked by how quickly you get promoted by just hiding your ignorance!

2. You're ugly. It is a sad fact that attractive people succeed in business and love. And are more faithful. No, wait! That's not true! They're not more faithful. You can use that! Since you're ugly, you just have to prove yourself in other areas! Be extra loyal. Try your hand at being funny. Work really hard. And if all else fails, get your stomach stapled and have plastic surgery.

3. You're boring. Nevermind; what was I thinking? There's nothing wrong with this... You people never fail at anything. You're too boring to fail. My bad.

Note to my readers: This list is not exhaustive, it just covers the MAIN things that are wrong with you. If you'd like a more comprehensive and specific list of what's wrong with you according to your specific failures, simply email me. I would be happy to provide you with complete documentation of what is wrong with you because I'm just here to help!

The Way of the High School Romance

2009-08-04T10:17:00.002-04:00

I went on my first date when I was fifteen. It was a church party, and my beau's parents picked me up in their minivan. I was so nervous that I barely spoke for the entire outing.

You see, it was a note-passing romance. John had science class right after I did, and so every day between 2nd and 3rd period, we would take turns passing each other ultra-long, pseudo-clever, mostly-illegible notes between classes. Eventually, he got enough nerve to ask me to attend a party with him that he already knew I was going to. That killed it. Our togetherness combined with both of our shyness sank that would-be high school romance.

Then there was Justin. Instead of the note-passing, we focused mainly on just looking at each other across the room. Don't worry though, my mom put a stop to all of those shennanigans and made us break up. It was heart-wrenching though, and the Justin found me last year on MySpace. Old feelings flared, but the ten years had changed us. It just wasn't the same (If you haven't tried it, it's impossible to cast sidelong glances across 550 miles, and this was about the depth of our whole connection).

Finally... Josh. Josh was excessively confident for a high school guy. If you had to make a high school movie about one of my awkward high school relationships, it definitely would have been about this one. Charming, flirty, handsome, and funny, Josh is actually pretty close to the kind of guy I date these days. It was all just too overwhelming though. I couldn't be tied down as a shy, awkward 16-year-old girl with braces. I was like a stallion... I had to be free to roam the hillside of opportunities and dreams.

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You may wonder what my application is. After all, what's the good of a self-help blog if I don't help you, right? Oh, friends, there is so much to learn from high school relationships! Firstly, it is a good, healthy thing to be shy and awkward. ***CAUTION: YOU CAN'T BOTH BE SHY. THIS DOES NOT WORK*** Every outgoing man likes a good, shy girl. (I mean, she has to be pretty too, but that goes without saying, right?) Braces are an added plus because braces often make gals self-conscious, and the only thing better than a shy girl is a shy AND self-conscious one. It makes us so malleable. The whole goal is to make the guy feel good about himself by acting like we are socially maladjusted! See the beauty of this design!

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This leads me to my new dating strategy. Hypothesis: Men like super-shy and ultra-self-consious women. Experiment: In the future, I'm going to repress my true nature... hide my outgoing-ness, and totally not be myself. I'll act super-grateful whenever anyone is nice to me. I'll also practice hiding behind my hair and ultra-conservative clothes.

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I may even try to gain some test subjects via match.com--- ooooooh, or maybe Craigslist!

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Once on the date, I will have to making sure there are long pauses in the conversation. Let him rush to fill them; it'll make him feel heroic. Also, note-passing, even while out to dinner, will become a new behavioral staple for me. It will make me seem mysterious... unattainable. The second he thinks, "Wow, this girl is difficult to carry a conversation with," is the second that I will have hooked him! Mark my words, friends, every guy is looking for a shy and quiet lady he can bring home to mamma.

So, to all of my single adult friends that are confident in themselves and their lives, hearken back to your high school insecurities. Tap into your inner nerd. Be freed by the fake shyness that may catch you a man. And if you need some help with your match.com entry, feel free to use mine:

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About me:

I get kind of nervous in big groups, and usually have dinner at my mom and dad's house. I bring my cats with me (I have 4), so that they're not lonely. I love to write, and don't get out much. I like to hang out with my friend. I do have one. She's single too, so she has lots of time to hang out with me and my cats at my parents house.

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Who I'm looking for:
I'm looking for a big strong man to take me out to dinner and help me get out of my shell a little bit. I want him to be a cross between Prince Charming and Alladin. (I love Disney movies!) I also need someone kinda patient because I haven't been on a date since high school, and I don't really know how to act in public because I feel like everyone's staring at me.

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You're welcome.

Guest Blogger: The Way of the Thirty-Year-Old Stigma

2009-08-04T00:32:00.004-04:00

My dear readers, an awesome friend sent me an interesting blog for my site, based on her own experiences. Enjoy! -Jessica

By: Ashley Sherry

OK, so many times I get my heart broken, but I do this to myself. I mean, do I really think that every guy I date could be “the one?” Well, actually as of late, I have. But I was asked by someone the other day if I believed if there was one person out there for us or many people we could be happy with. I hesitated at this question and after shedding a tear (I was PMSing, but this guy would not buy that as an excuse for my teary days), said that there was no one out there for me. Have I become that jaded? That confused about relationships? That disheartened about the prospect of love? Yes, apparently I have. Another thing that has been a little maddening lately is this awful stigma that women possess and that men assume. I actually lost a guy that I really liked to this terrible stigma. Here it is: Ever since I was 29 and recently turned 30, every guy that I date ASSUMES that I want to immediately get married. Really? I mean, don’t you think I should have a choice in this? What if I date that guy and I end up hating him, or he is boring, or he snores too loudly, which is a whole other story I cannot go into right this very moment. But really, a tip to guys- just because we are 30 doesn’t mean we automatically want to get married…or married TO YOU! We want to have fun too, we want to see how we feel, and most importantly, you guys could end up wanting to marry us and let’s be honest here, just because you get married doesn’t mean you turn into a hermit. Amazing thing is, I, along with many other girls, are OK at balancing a guy and a house, and going out for drinks, concerts, and vacations once married. I am here to say let go of the stigma, allow things to just be, because you men are stressing US out! We need a break and you all need to grow up.

Note from Jessica:

My Dear Ashley,

Of course you just want to get married... if the guy makes over six figures. These other romantic notions do have to go, though, like that whole just-having-fun-honest-feely spiel... Keep your focus on the dollar signs. Love ya! -Jessica

The Way of the Light-Switch Friend

2009-08-01T16:35:00.006-04:00

I was recently introduced to the concept of a "light-switch friend." Intrigued as I was, I knew I had to explore the concept further. The light-switch friend (LSF for short) is the predictable friend. Switch on. Switch off. You know exactly how this friend would respond in any given situation. There are no surprises. No excitement. No wondering or guessing.

At first you might say, "Jessica! I want my friends to be interesting, and be able to carry on intelligent conversations with me. I want them to be smart, with ideas about life and love! I don't want one of these light-switch friends... oh-so-predictable! No way."

Calm down, friend! Everyone needs a light-switch friend! I, myself, have several. Some of you just might need a little bit of convincing.

1. A light-switch friend is perfect at the end of a long, hard day. Since they are so boring, they are unable to stress you out or be critical of you in any way. This is incredibly soothing, especially after dealing with annoyingly intelligent people all day.

2. A light-switch friend will make you feel good about yourself. Since LSF's lack creativity, they usually will take on your defining characteristics. Often they will mimic words or phrases that they use. More often than not, as you spend time with your LSF, she will even start dressing like you. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? Thus, this mimicry will build up your own self-esteem, making you more powerful.

3. A light-switch friend can be your backup. When you put in time with your LSF, the LSF will respond with extreme loyalty. He will defend you in arguments. He will agree with you when no one else does. He will change your tires, drive out of his way for you, and beat up your enemies. Also, the LSF makes a fantastic wing-man, as he never hogs too much attention.

4. A light-switch friend also acts as a filler when your other, more interesting friends, are not available. Let's face it, non-LSF friends are busy people! And sometimes you just need a body to accompany you to church, the bar, or to walk your dog with you. Take your LSF!

Did I convince you? If you don't have one, go out and get one today! Light-switch friends are easy to meet! Workplaces are teeming with them... Look for the girl who agrees with everyone, and laughs a tad too loudly. Bars have them too. Look for the guy sitting at the end of the counter who's dressed identically to his older brother. It's easy to spot LSFs in grocery stores, too, because they'll always offer for you to go ahead of them. Then you'll get yes-no-not-sure-never-heard-of-that's galore!

If you do already have one, it's time to appreciate her! I propose National Light-Switch Friend Appreciation Day. Get your LSF roses. Take her out to dinner. Celebrate and affirm her by telling her how you feel about her wonderful boring ways! And above all, just be glad that your LSF isn't more interesting, funny, or exciting.

PS- Light-switch friends NEVER know that they are light-switch friends. Tell them at your own risk.

The Way of the End-of-Summer Pep Talk

2009-07-30T11:58:00.007-04:00

I'm a teacher. This means I get ten weeks off every summer. It's July 30, and I have ten days left. Whenever I get to this point in the summer, the school-time anxiety starts to descend upon me, and I have to go into overdrive looking for a sugar daddy- er, I mean giving myself pep talks.

This is Phase One of my pep talks. Visualize: I splash a little bit of water on my face and look in the mirror. Then, I just start talking: "Jessica. What you do is valuable. You're trying to educate the children... You're teaching them how to communicate better. This will help them for the rest of their lives. Your passion for reading and writing are unparalleled... Many of them have shared with you how much your energy and enthusiasm has inspired them. You were made for this. Also, these children need postivie role models. Be a good influence. Encourage the children to abstain from sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Be true to God and country... Blah blah blah..." I always tell myself this, trying to focus on the spiritual and deep side of myself. Inevitably, it is not enough.

When the first phase of my pep talk doesn't work, in my next mirror-session (Phase Two of the Pep Talk) I remind myself, "The morgage and car payment still must be paid, whether I want to teach the children or not. Also, I must eat. And now I have another mouth to feed in the form of my cat-like attack dog." Then I glare sternly in the mirror and tell myself, "You're in this for the money." Usually there is more water- splashing at this point. While this second phase of the pep talk is more effective than the first, there is still residual anxiety at this point.

This is when I start to be really honest with myself. Phase three of the pep talk looks like this. It involves me having imaginary confrontations with all of my future students:

"There are not many places where little-old-me would get to be in charge of you people, but since you're not adults yet, I get free reign! Why? Because I'm the professional, suckers!

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Ha ha ha nerdy kid! I'm laughing at you, too!

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You! Athlete! You'll sit down when I say so, even if you are eight feet tall and could break me in half! I'm in charge here.

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And that fifteen page paper? I told you it was due next month? I changed my mind. Bring it in tomorrow!

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Texting in my class, are you? Try texting now that I threw your phone out of the window.

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Did you just accidently bump into me? SECURITY!? I'll see you in court."

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I live to torment fifteen-year-olds... how could I have forgotten? The power I wield is virtually limitless. They will come to me with trust, and I will bend and break them to my will, making them want to call their mothers. But their mothers will not come. I disconnected the phone. Muah ha ha ha ha.

That part of the self-pep-talk always works.

The Way of the Short Dog Complex

2009-07-27T23:50:00.002-04:00

Bark- ahem- I mean, hey. Nice to meet you. Sometimes it's hard for me to transition from the spoken word to the written word, but I have to tell you: I'm much better at expressing my thoughts on paper. This is probably because I only know how to say a few words out loud: Bark and Ruff. I have a pretty well-developed whine, too, but try not to overuse it for obvious reasons... Now, the computer. I can really get my thoughts across on the computer.

I digress. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Jessica's dog, Othello. She asked me to share some of my insights with you. You see, recently I've done extensive reading on the concept of the Napolean Complex. You may recognize it by another name: the short man complex or the little man syndrome. This terminology is usually derogatory... Watch: people think a short guy compensates for his shortness by being extra smart, aggressive, funny, and hard-working. It's all good up until this point. The short guy is actually cooler because he's trying so hard, right? Here's the rub, though: the short guy tries SO HARD that he becomes TOO smart, TOO aggressive, TOO funny, and TOO hard-working. Basically, he becomes an annoying show-off. This is the Napolean Complex as we all know it.

This whole idea applies to dogs too. Let's talk about me. My breed is a toy shorkie. Grimace. I know. Toy is even in my breed name; this is embarassing. I am four lbs, 2 oz. The weight of the average dog is between 30 and 45 lbs, while some larger dogs weigh up to 150 lbs. Do the math.

That's right, not only am I a short dog, I'm the absolute shortest dog that I've ever met, and chances are not good for me to be growing any more either. I can't jump up on the couch. I can't reach the bed. Heck, I can hardly even fit a whole piece of pepperoni in my mouth. I'm short.

This shortness is definitely a problem for me. For example: My mom can pick me up with one hand. I mean, geez. Mom! At least act like you need to use both hands. Be sensitive to a guy's feelings, here. I try to have a good attitude about it, though, and work on my strengths.

Aha! I know what you're thinking! Othello has the short dog complex. He's an annoying little overachiever that I need to avoid at all costs! But new friends, this is not the case. I try to remain focused on my strengths, but I don't overdo it; I'm certain that they will help me transcend my shortness, and make me the kind of dog that you would want to hang out with.

One of my strengths is my toughness. I have a Harley Davidson collar, and my nickname is Killer. I also chase the other, bigger dogs. I mean, my mom always holds me back, but the thought is there.

Another strength I have is my stubbornness. I mean, I'm going to pee wherever the heck I want to. What do you think about that, mom? Huh? What are you going to do about it? You see, I think it's extremely important to hold on to my values, my identity.

Finally, I'm extremely romantic. I cannot tell you how many crotches I've smelled. And women are always crooning over me, and rubbing my naked tummy. I may be small, but I'm quite a Cassonova.

In summary, while I'm short, I still have lots of things going for me. I try to stay focused on that, and not how demasculating it is when my mom tells her friends about how she's going to have me fixed. She can only get away with it because I'm short; I mean, really, do you think a Rotweiller's mom tells her friends about that? I don't either.

I'm going to stay strong, though. There will be no overcompensating for me. I would hate to be "that dog." You know, the short dog you want to avoid because he tries to hump your leg, or knock you down. On the contrary! I am a really cool, albeit little, dog. Call me for a good time. I'll try not to overwhelm you with my toughness or sexual prowess. After all, I have nothing to prove.

The Way of Twitter-Haters

2009-07-25T12:37:00.012-04:00

I love people that refuse to try new things. They're predictable, safe, and unworried that they may be missing out on something good. It's awesome to have a measure of reliability in this crazy world, even if it is in the form of someone boring and set in their ways.

My special favorites are the people that refuse to try new things that are actually easy to try. It's one thing to have a friend that does not want to go skydiving. I mean, it just goes against nature to jump out of a plane at 3,000 feet, with nothing but a long stretch of fabric to break your fall. The refuser-to-go-skydiving is not who I'm talking about- skydiving is not something easy to try. No, gentle readers, I'm talking about these people: I love the people that won't try a new radio station, or the people that won't eat in the Chinese place down the street, or the people that won't wear a summer scarf. These people live in & celebrate their ruts.

A prime example of this endearing, charming type of person is the Twitter-hater. You can recognize these people quickly because they start out whole conversations with, "I mean, I've never had a Twitter account, but what I hate about Twitter is _________." They've never even visited twitter.com, although they are online every day. Also, they won't even let anyone who actually knows about Twitter give them an overview because they're too busy saying how stupid it it. I love these people!

Emotions run deep when it comes to The Great Twitter Debate. Those of us who use Twitter will often rush in to defend it (it's easy access to interesting information, wonderful promotion tool, efficient way to connect with individuals in similar fields...), but our dear friends will quickly shoot us down with their staunch I-would-nevers. As I mentioned before, there is a beautiful sense of safety and security in someone that even denies the possibility that something new and easy could actually be worthwhile.

I don't just love these people on general principle. No, I love them for a simple practical reason as well. They make it so easy for me to look good! Think about it: All of life is one big competition. Competing at work. Competing socially. Competing at home. Who's more relevant, cool, interesting, and resourceful? Twitter is an obvious advantage, and to all of you Twitter-Haters competing with me in this game of life, this is what I have to say to you: Hold fast to your irrational and outdated beliefs! The rest of us will use all the help we can get.

Keep avoiding new things, friend. Stay safe, even from that which is incredibly easy to figure out. It gives the rest of us an amazing edge in this world of ever-changing technology and workforce expectations. We love you just the way you are.

The Way of the Sports Enthusiast

2009-07-24T12:24:00.006-04:00

Some people really could not care less about athletic events. Unfortunately for my social life, I used to be one of those people. This was not a big deal when I lived in New Jersey and Virginia, where football and basketball were followed by the faithful few. However, here in South Carolina I learned very quickly that I need to start faking an interest in football, at a minimum, or I would have no friends.

I got some practice faking interest when an ex-boyfriend of mine used to play Fantasy Football. Obssessively. For those of you that don't know, the true Fantasy Football player must view an important game on TV at least four times a week. This was the period of my life when I got to know a few of the myriad rules governing the game, as well as the power of a few well-placed yells. These yells were carefully planned to show that I was paying attention. "Run it," seemed to work well for me, as well as "Yes!" and "Bad call, ref!" I also learned that batting my eyes, and asking aforementioned ex to, "Explain it to me one more time, honey," proved my support and interest. Of course, this worked only when we were alone. When the guys were around I had to pretty much shut up.

Things are different now that I live in South Carolina. Now the feigned interest is hardly enough. Random yells of "Strong arm!" are often met with narrowed eyes, and "Shhhh, Jessica!" Batting my eyes NEVER works. Then there's the problem of the Great Divide. Here in South Carolina you have to pick a side: Clemson or Carolina. Either way you get teased mercilessly by the other team's followers, even if it's apparent you don't really care. I've noticed that this is true for people who, in fact, do not even have any ties to either school.

Also, gear is a big deal down here. It seems like every game day entails decked-out clothing, including hats, ribbons, and matching flip-flops. Even dogs have collars corresponding to their owner's sports team.

Finally, attitudes including trash talk, bullying, and even sulking accompany most sporting events in South Carolina. The similarities between football games, and thirteen-year-old girl's slumber parties are amazing in that way. I even have a couple of friends that are kept separated during football season because they root for different teams.

Being the social gal that I am, it did not take long for me to realize that I needed to start attending sporting events and parties, even though I could not care less about the games. There are, after all, always those few minutes during commercials when you can have a real conversation with your friends. Also, the food is usually amazing. Then there's the rush that you get from just yelling along with the crowd about who-knows-what.

Once I was skeptical about the enthusiasm sports fans genuinely seem to feel. Now I realize that it is more spiritual and deep than I originally understood. I mean, I think they are experiencing real emotions. Their identity is tied up in their team. It is a way to worship, connect, and be in community with like-minded individuals. And did I mention the food is usually amazing? While I thought I was making compromises for my social life by attending sporting events, now I realize that it is so much more than that-- sports is a way of life, a way of passion, a way for winners.

So, dear friends, this is why without rancor I will work on my yell (it's not very convincing), I will buy more gear (the more stuff, the greater fan), and I will give lots of attitude (this should not be a problem for me). See you at the game.

The Way of the Afternoon Drinker

2009-07-23T11:40:00.001-04:00

Never do I love being a teacher more than in the summertime. Nothing can compare to the sense of largesse that I feel in the beginning of June as I gaze, metaphorically, of course, at the long expanse of summer that beckons me provocatively from the future.
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There are a few things about it that I enjoy more than others. My friend's jealousy. The Beach. My tan. Sleeping in. Not leaving my house or bathing for a week, but instead making lists of all the people that I hate, and planning ways to get back at them for all of the wrongs they have done me. Sticking sharp pins in the dolls that represent them... muah hahahahah--- er- I mean, Staying out late.

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One thing, above all the others, symbolizes my summer. The afternoon drink. White wine? Why not? Long Island Tea? Sure. I'm down. Jamacian Coffee? Please, lay it on me. The taste of alcohol before dinner was once so taboo to me, that the refreshment factor multiplies in direct correlation to how conservatively I was brought up.
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You see, for the most part, only two types of people can drink alcohol in the afternoon: 1) The people that are so important that they can do anything that they want. Example: CEOs, VPs, and people that network. (Networking? What the hell is that anyway? Normal people do not get to do that during work hours.) And 2) People that are not employed at all. I've found that these people enjoy the occasional afternoon drink less to celebrate their freedom, and more to drown their sorrows.

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Since I'm still managing to get paid over the summer, I relate deeply with the first group. The important ones. The movers and shakers. The people that get things done. I wish more of my beloved friends could take advantage of the powerful focusing value of afternoon drinking. I mean, it really helps me take in the beauty of the beach, or imagine the setting in my new novel. However, I would not encourage it for most since it may be a dealbreaker for your boss, and I only have one spare room for anyone planning on losing their jobs and moving in with me.

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I strongly believe that afternoon drinking should be encouraged at every level of employment or lack of employment, and morning drinking is the next obvious step. Imagine rolling out of bed every morning to mix yourself a fresh, tasty glass of Sangria to consume on the way to work. (Happy sigh) It would help focus you, motivate you, and ignore the yelling. (Ahem. The yelling. Er- that's probably more my job than yours.) Largescale daily drunkenness is my eventual goal.
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I'm enjoying all of the drinking this summer, but I'm unwilling to let go of a it in the fall without a fight. The summer is just not enough! Those that care about the future of our society should band together and campaign for more tolerance of drunkenness in the workplace. Just think about it: mailcart races, innapropriate sexual jokes, dropping it like it's hot to the elevator music, making out with the HR guy in the supplies closet... Imagine how comfortable the workplace would become! How bonded everyone would be! It would be the most popular workplace since Cheers (and for many of the same reasons)!

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Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury sobriety, not to praise it. The way of the afternoon drinker is too oft frowned upon; The good is oft misunderstood to the extreme; Let it not be so with us, friends. Let us fight for the good, the noble, and the clink of glasses.

The Way of the Bangs

2009-07-22T12:13:00.006-04:00

In my fantasy world, I am a well-adjusted, confident woman with a solid self-esteem. In reality, this is probably true about 87.6% of the time. This is the thing, though: Well-adjustedness is based on a complicated and ever-changing system of goals and successes. I would provide a graph for you, but it's about as convoluted as Obama's health care plan, and would take me all morning. Suffice it to say, for me to remain a strong, confident, woman is like shooting at a moving target. I'm never quite sure how I'll have to change in order to stay secure in my identity.

Last weekend, a major obstacle was put in the way of my well-adjustedness. Some guy in a green shirt (we're very close) told me I look like Khloe Kardashian. For those of you not up on reality TV (for shame!), she's in the blockbuster show "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." This might not mean much to most women, but for me, whose ideal of feminine beauty is Kim Kardashian (Khloe's older and hotter sister), this was a crushing blow. He basically was saying to me, "Jessica. You look like the un-cute sister of your ideal."

Still, many of my more dense readers may be wondering why this conversation was such a big deal to me. Let me break it down for you, and explain some basic psychology: Even the strongest self image (and 87.6% is pretty strong) is based on a delicate web of how others view you, especially strangers.

Thus, green-shirt-guy single-handedly upset the falsely high self-esteem I had been ignorantly maintaining based on my belief that I looked nothing like Khloe Kardashian. The delicate web was shaken.

Unwilling to fully accept my new role as the un-cute sister, I did some investigating the next day. Lo and behold, imagine my desire to hide myself in bed when I discovered many marked similarities between myself and Khloe Kardashian. Hair. Facial structure. Eye makeup. Thankfully, she does have some flattering pictures on the internet (see above). This was a small consolation as I went through this whole crisis. Still, the 12.4% of me that experiences self-doubt, paranoia, self-loathing, and insecurity took over. Panicked, I called a plastic surgeon. Unfortunately, he lacked the insight to know what I meant when I asked him to "UnKhloeify" me. Next, I considered starting to wear fake glasses. This would have the dual benefit of distracting everyone from my face, and giving me something to hide behind. I couldn't do it, though; I just don't want anyone to mistake me for someone intelligent. Finally, I landed on the perfect solution: Bangs! According to my sources, they're back, and cooler than they were in the early 90s. Also, they possess the almost- supernatural benefit of breaking up my wide expanse of Khloe-like forehead.

In a couple of hours, the deed was done, and I was a new woman. Relieved and emotionally exhausted, I went about my business.

What did I learn from all of this? Simple: No matter how solid your self-esteem is, it can always be crushed by one comment from a stranger. Listen to these comments, take them to heart. Also, take every opportunity to tear down other women when you get the chance. It is, after all, for their own good. Unfortunately, it's trickier to get men to rethink their whole self esteem, but still possible. Study and practice. The power is in your hands.

Also, when given the opportunity to be down on yourself, take it. You will have many chances, and I would hate for anyone to let even one pass them by. Each chance to obssess over seemingly minor personal flaws may well be your last, so don't take any for granted.

And finally, do not be afraid of bangs. While it is easy to experience bangs-related anxiety:"Jessica, I had them for 20 years, long after they were out of style. I only grew mine out in 2002!" they could also become a well-loved facial fixture.

We all go through hard times, times when our cuteness and well-adjustedness are called into question. Remember my story, and do whatever you have to do to maintain your fragile self-esteem, even if it means compromising your own opinions, health, or beliefs.

I hope I've provided a small measure of inspiration through my testimony today.

By the way, has anyone told you that you look like Beverly off of the "Rock of Love Bus"? I mean, no offense.

The Way of Taking Me Seriously

2009-07-19T13:50:00.004-04:00

Don't. At least, not on the blog. I have had several people make this mistake. That's all for today, and Happy Sabbath folks.

The Way of the Flirt

2009-07-18T18:25:00.006-04:00

It is well known in the hip-hop community that: "It ain't trickin' if you got it." For those of you who are not as gangster as I am, one street definition of "trickin'," is if a G be actin' flashy, but don't got the green to back it up. Example: Borrowing your friend's Rolls Royce for a date. This is frowned upon because it gives the young lady the impression that you have money, when really she probably would rather be hooking up with your friend that has the nice car. It's like false advertising. However, you are not "trickin'" if you be makin' it rain all day, but you really be makin' bank! Example: Flying your new girl to Jamaica for vacation. If you have the money to do it, and do it, what's the problem? There is none. Thus, "It ain't trickin' if you got it." There's nothing wrong with acting wealthy, if you are!

Today, dear readers, I put forth to you that it ain't flirtin' if you mean it. If you are genuinely interested in someone, and like them as a person, then complimenting them, touching them lightly on the arm, standing close to them, and laughing at their jokes is not flirting. It's just being sincere. Thus, it ain't flirtin' if you mean it. However, sincerity is not what I want to talk about today because, let's be honest, it's overrated. Flirting is the topic on the table.

If you deliberately or subconsciously act romantically interested in someone you do not especially like, this is the definition of flirting. Now, you probably do not dislike this person, but the key to what makes the behavior flirting is that your feelings towards him or her do not match your words/actions. There are several reasons that people flirt. Some of the more common reasons are 1) to help boost their own self-esteem, 2)for the simple entertainment of self and friends, and 3) to open the door to more physical activities(ummmm, like basketball). Caution: Of course, there is always the chance that flirting will eventually become legitimite interest. Flirting does sometimes lead the unwary traveller down the road of sincerity.

I've been considering this topic because it has been brought to my attention that I am a terrible flirt. No, dear readers, I do not mean that I flirt all the time. Quite the contrary. Typically, I've only been complimentary and encouraging to men when I've actually meant it. Gasp! Heaven forbid, my friends! Just think about all of the ego-boosts and entertainment that I have missed. Thankfully, my shortcoming was brought to my attention before it was too late. Imagine how boring it is to be honest with the opposite sex all the time! Imagine how droll, how mundane!

Enough is enough. Most of you probably know me well enough to realize that I have already developed a plan to fix this character flaw. Any of you are welcome to use my plan, especially if you are just as sincere as I am. Firstly, I am compiling a list of flirting tips to use as a cheat sheet. Secondly, I am practicing a new and improved fake smile, as my old one is not very convincing. Finally, I am looking for an accomplished flirt that can really take me under his or her wing, and teach me everything that I need to know about becoming purposefully insincere. (References needed. Preferably from people you don't like that much, but think are attractive)Who knows? By this time next year, the pupil may become the teacher.

For further inspiration about flirting, check it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2f3cuUXXRs

Also, if any of my readers have good flirting tips, please share them with me so that I can add them to my list. More importantly, if you know of someone that would be a patient and kind flirting guru for yours truly, pass on that information. And as always, thank you for your support as I seek to better myself in mainly surface ways.

The Way of Change

2009-07-16T18:12:00.007-04:00

Nope. Not a pro-Obama blog entry. I am talking about something much more important than changing our economy, our attitude, or our health care system. Today, friends, I want to discuss changing our significant others.

Now, as many of you know, I am not currently in a relationship. However, I still feel that I can speak out on this topic with credibility because I have been in relationships before. I'm sure that we can all agree that even if someone is unsuccessful at something, they can still teach others how to do it correctly. For example, someone that has dropped out of high school may very well have good study tips. As a matter of fact, I would be more likely to listen to my own advice about relationships than someone that has been married for forty years. Why? Because that person's old. And I'm young.

Enough about that. I want to address the falsehood that has been circulating for decades. Namely, you can't change the one you love. Or, the even more common statement: People don't change. As I've considered this issue, I think there are basically two categories of change: Substantive Changes and Surface Changes.

Firstly, Surface Changes must occur if there are Surface Issues. These issues are minor, like if your significant other is a sloppy dresser, or smokes. Maybe he's fat, or she curses too much for you. Perhaps your significant other has an obnoxious pet, like an annoying cat. These surface issues can usually be fixed pretty easily. Nagging, haranguing, or blackmail should work. I mean, I know when I want something, I just bring it up every day until I get it. "So, sweetheart, put on a little weight, didn't you?" "Mmmm, hon. That shirt just does not look as good on you now that you're fluffy." "I got you a gym membership for Christmas!" Or even, "Have you noticed how great Jonathan has looked since he has gotten in shape? You should ask him for tips." This has worked for me in the past... not that any of my past relationships have worked out, but I will continue using these strategies with confidence. My breakups are irrelevant. Just don't give up! This is change we can believe in.

On the other hand, Substantive Changes need to take place if your significant other has more major issues that you would like to change. For example, perhaps your significant other is married to someone else. Or maybe your significant other does not have a job, or does not share your religious values. Perhaps he is not motivated, or she hates your family. Maybe your significant other is not even romantically interested in you. These changes take a more thoughtful and deliberate approach. You should think of these change-goals as campaigns rather than battles.

Steps to Implement Substantive Change in Your Significant Other:

1. Identify the behavior that you would like to change. Example: Your significant other has kids from a previous relationship, and you want those kids to move out.

2. Sit down alone or with a group of friends, and develop a plan of attack. It is also helpful to have a Plan B, just in case. Example: Begin planting evidence that your love has been neglecting the children. Spread lies to neighbors implying that the kids are not gettting enough to eat, nor appropriate supervision, etc... Plan B: Have someone build a relationship with your significant other's ex. This person should ingratiate himself into the ex's life, encouraging the ex to sue for custody of said children.

3. Act surprised and supportive towards your significant other when your plan starts working. Seeming trustworthy is essential to bringing about the substantive change desired, while keeping the integrity of the relationship intact. Example: You say: "Oh, honey. I can't believe these lies that the neighbors are telling about your treatment of your kids, that I love. Do you want me to go beat them up for you?"

4. If all else fails, use an ultimatum. Example: "Either the kids go, or I do." DO NOT USE THIS OPTION UNLESS YOU ARE DESPERATE. Sometimes it backfires.

I might not be in a relationship now, but I look forward to the day when I will be able to whip my man into shape. It's an exciting challenge, and I think of each guy that I meet as a blank canvas that I can paint on.

One final thought: If Obama can singlehandedly restore health, wealth, and prosperity to America (there are 304,059,724 of us), then you can definitely change your significant other.

The Way of the Circumspect Shopper

2009-07-15T09:54:00.001-04:00

Because I am my mother's daughter, I feel guilty when I spend money on myself. But also, because I am my mother's daughter, I do it anyway. I went shopping all day on Saturday, and this is what my back seat looked like. (In my defense, though, not all of these bags were mine. Shopping alone, like drinking alone, is a dangerous proposition.)

After some reflection, I realized that clothing purchases are really something of an investment, and that there are more than a few reasons why you too, gentle reader, should spend some of those hard-earned dollars on shoes, purses, and clothing items. The institution of shopping should henceforward be viewed as an honorable and responsible pursuit.

1. In a previous blog, I've described my willingness to take on the title of trophy wife. In order to prepare for this role, I must maintain the coiffed stylishness that my wealthy man will expect. Readers, if you have a similar goal in mind, it is essential for you to think of your clothing as an investment in your future. You have to think ahead. Don't always be so concerned with the here and now. So go shop.

2. Clothing is inexplicably tied to your self-image. Sure, I know, it's not about the outside, it's about the inside, and you can't judge a book by it's cover... yadda, yadda, yadda. Whatever. People that say this are just in denial. Or they are trying to rationalize their terrible fashion sense. Don't listen to them! They are just trying to lead you astray, dear reader. This is too important an issue to compromise on; you must dress well!

3. Clothes are a competition, and I want you to win. Guys are always concerned with the size of their- er- muscles, right? The man with the biggest ones wins. With women, it's all about clothes and accessories. Who is wearing the cuter outfit, and who looks better in those jeans. It's not pettiness. It's reality. The real winners hit up the mall at least three times per week. Don't fall behind.

4. Clothes hide the real you, making you seem cooler, more fun, and more hip than you really are. No one wants anyone to guess what they're really like-- insecure, unhappy, and paranoid. No way! Hide these flaws with some bright florals and pink heels... That way we'll never know about your problems, and that's great because we really don't care.

I've gotten to the end of my treatise defending one of my favorite pastimes, but there one thing I must say. If you are one of those sad individuals that insists on staying within a budget, and not buying unnecessary things on credit, you have to snap out of it. Get your priorities straight. Being financially stable is not nearly as important as seeming financially stable. Looking great is way more important than feeling great. Beware of your twisted sense of superiority, as if your inner beauty is even close to my outer beauty... (Sigh) I guess the only thing that I can really suggest is to get some counseling, work through your issues, and try to do the right thing. Start with one store, once a week. Move on from there, working the steps. Using the credit card is easy, especially once you've had some practice. Ditching the budget is even easier. Surround yourself with like-minded friends, and you can count on me for support as you overcome this pattern of destructive thinking.

The Way of the Perfectionist

2009-07-14T10:21:00.005-04:00

I made a new friend last week. Hiram. No, he's not Jewish, Hispanic, or Middle Eastern-- which I kind of vaguely thought he would be because he has such a unique name. He's actually Caucasian, but that's completely beside the point.

Hiram is a perfectionist, as I learned fairly quickly. Since I am so far from being one of those myself, initially my idea was to write a blog making fun of perfectionists (Sorry, Hiram, but that kind of immaturity is right up my alley). But the more I meditated on the path of perfectionism, the more I decided that I would instead write a blog celebrating perfectionism. So here's my verbal party in honor of perfectionists, and by extention, the institution of perfectionism itself:

1. Perfectionists can never get bored. Perfectionists spend approximately 45% more time on everyday tasks like brushing their teeth, and painting spare bedrooms. When you add up all the tasks people have to do during the day, this cuts down significantly on available leisure time. Therefore, there is automatically less time for boredom to creep in. Yes! Good job, guys!

2. Perfectionists are relied upon by others. Let's face it, most of us do not have the patience to focus in on the details that perfectionists glory in. If I had a perfectionist with me when I was drilling knobs into my cabinet, I bet they'd be lined up, rather than haphazardly placed according to how I was feeling at the moment. Sidenote: To be relied upon by others also helps create a sense of belonging, which is essential. Refer to my previous post "The Way of Belonging and Belovedness." Yay, perfectionism!

3. Perfectionists are few and far between. There just aren't that many out there! Most of us just want to complete the task, and move on with our lives. But noooooooooooo, there's one in twenty that have perfectionistic tendencies, and they most assuredly do not hesitate to make the rest of us do it right. Even if we have to come in to work on a Saturday. Give me a P. Give me a E. Give me a R...

4. Perfectionists are always right. Have you noticed this? It's uncanny, and I am so grateful for it.

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In summary, I'd just like to give a big shout out to all of the perfectionists in the house! I also want to emphasize, for the record, that I've never been annoyed by any of you, even when you've corrected my verb choice, or questioned a statistic I've put forward. (Yes. I did make up that one in twenty thing. Out of thin air. Happy!? Oh yeah. The 45% thing too. I thought that was obvious, though.)

I'm sorry that the rest of us don't take the time to say thank you enough. Thank you for correcting our spelling, our driving, and our laziness. Thank you for speaking up to honor correctness. And thank you for all the tasks you undertake-- because as you've told the rest of us plenty of times, if it's going to get done right, you'd better do it yourself.

The Way of the Breezy

2009-07-13T10:59:00.005-04:00

In the era of Friends, when everyone would watch each episode over and over with glee, it was more than a show. It gave us a glimpse into the world outside of school. It gave us a taste of the humor and glamour of adulthood. It gave us life lessons that most of us carry with us today.

In one particular episode, Monica introduces the idea of "being breezy" to viewers. For those of you that may have missed that episode, here is the definition from the dictionary: "breezy (adj) carefree, lighthearted, buoyant, lively, jaunty, easygoing." The episode involves Monica running into her ex-boyfriend Richard. All of her feelings for him come to the surface, and she begins to obssess over whether or not he has a new girlfriend. She then decides to hack into his voicemail, and see if there are any messages from other women. To condense the story, she ends up calling him and leaving a strained and dramatic message on his machine, ending with, "I'm breezy."

Monica teaches us how to be breezy through her very lack of breeziness. Her main problem is caring too much about her ex-boyfriend. Friends, we must never care that much about anyone! It always ends badly. If you don't believe me, look at Romeo and Juliet. They both died because they cared too much about each other. Scarlett and Rhett both cared too much as well, and that caring got in the way of their communication skills, making them both miserable. Finally, Mark Sanford and Maria Chapur's situation could have been avoided if they had just avoided caring caring for each other at all! I rest my case.

True and authentic breeziness can only be achieved through a lack of caring. The more shallow the relationship is, the more likely that both members will act like mature adults. Jealousy only enters in when one person experiences deep feelings for the other, precipitating actions less than breezy.

If that lack of caring cannot be achieved, odds are that you will be tempted to act oddly. This may manifest itself in the form of stalking, checking your significant other's phone messages, or even having long heart-to-hearts with his best friends. If you just can't shake that annoying feeling of caring, you must at least put on the robe of nonchalance. Repress these inner urges to craziness. In leiu of actual breeziness, fake it!

Note: If you are unable to even act breezy, you may work into conversation how breezy you're being to trick the other person into thinking that you are being breezy. Be very careful with this technique. The more you use it, the more likely the other person will catch on that you are not as carefree and lighthearted as you claim.

Sample Dialogue:

Man: Hey honey, how was your day?

You: I know where you were. I can smell her perfume on your coat.

Man: What are you talking about? Who do you think I've been with?

You: That Michelle, your secretary. I knew she was after you the moment that I saw her hand you that file. Good thing I'm breezy, otherwise this would have come up a long time ago.

Man: Michelle wasn't even at work today. She called in.

You: She called in so you could have a secret tryst at the hotel!? Ahem. I mean, I just wanted to make sure, in a breezy way, that you weren't cheating on me. You know, breezily.

Man: Of course. I know how breezy you can be.

Review:

1. To guarantee breeziness, don't care about the other person.

2. If you must care, pretend that you don't.

3.If your caring is obvious, simply remind the other person how breezy you are.

Reading Comprehension

Now, to check your understanding of today's lesson, how would you respond to each of these situations in a breezy way? (Answers follow)

1. Your fiance jokes around in front of his parents that his mom will always be his favorite girl.

2. Your boyfriend does not return your phone call all day.

3. You find the guy you're dating at your house in bed with your roomate.

Answers:

1. Who cares about your fiance's mom? She will soon be nothing to you, as soon as you convince him to move to the West Coast in a couple of years. This will effectively make sure that he'll only see her about once a year. Just laugh right along with them, and know that you have him wrapped around your little finger. (Feels good to be breezy!)

2. The next time you do see him, calmly ask him why he needs a cell phone if he's not going to call you back? (This is especially effective if you drop it into a sink of water while smiling nonchalantly) And while you're on that topic, ask him why he wants a girlfriend at all? Does he hate you? If he doesn't hate you, then why didn't he call you back? Was he out with is ex? Are they getting back together? He's having a baby with her, isn't he? ISN'T HE? You knew it. He's planning on breaking up with you tonight. Just get it over with. Lying, cheating scumbag. (Just don't forget to keep smiling)

3. Of course it didn't mean anything! Forgive and forget! Accidents happen. There's no reason to make a big deal over this. Practice laughing it off, but remember to plan your revenge, for that is the way of the breezy.

Live long, and be breezy.

The Way of the Practical Romantic

2009-07-12T11:57:00.006-04:00

Once upon a time in the late nineties, when I was still young and sweet, I was about the most idealistic romantic that you would ever meet. I was often known to sigh wistfully in romantic movies, carry on long discussions about the reality of soulmates, and excitedly anticipate love over long games of MASH with my friends.

When I was in college I remember engaging in a particular conversation with some classmates in which I claimed, in sincerity, that I would be content to live homeless in the subway station for all of my years as long as "the one" was with me. (Yes, I did get teased mercilessly about this for the next few years)

The idea of romance shifted in my mind since then, and since I'm an educator by trade and temperment, I am eager to share my findings about romance with you, gentle readers.

Many people base their romances on the nebulous idea of physical chemistry and attraction. Furthermore, they take into account personality, and whether or not they enjoy spending time with the other person. Others also evaluate goals and priorities, as well as moral values.

What a ridiculous list! In my experience, none of these things are important. America's dating system is way too complicated for the average person to navigate. Chemistry only lasts about two years, everyone's personality gets annoying after awhile, and who really cares about goals and priorities? Clearly, single people are not assessing each other based on the right criteria.

Since chemistry, personality, and goals are not reliable predictors of relationship success, I decided to do some research. I spent months surveying experts in the field of love to figure out an objective way to measure a man or woman.

I know you're waiting in breathless anticipation for my findings. Here they are:

A man or woman should be measured solely by how much money he or she has.

Experts agree that this is the most objective and reliable way to appraise the staying power of a relationship. Everyone knows that a rich couple is a happy couple. The richer they are, the more the happiness compounds!

Sadly for wealthy guys, there are many idealistic and romantic women out there that discount the romantic value of a dollar. These men sit in their large homes, lonely and alone while all of the eligible women date poor fellows with handsome faces. These things ought not be my friends!

Rich men need love too... We must not discriminate against them!

It was a long and painful journey that brought me to these conclusions, but I'm thankful to have seen the light. I'm now willing to do the right thing and be a trophy wife. I encourage all of the other single men and ladies out there to give up their dreams and settle down with someone incredibly wealthy.

If any rich men do happen to come across this post, don't hesitate to email me. I'm not signing any prenups, though.

The Way of Nightlife

2009-07-10T19:15:00.006-04:00

My BFF Becca and I, in honor of our ten year anniversary as friends, are on a girl-trip in Charleston, SC. We left her husband and kids behind, and I introduced my little dog to his very first kennel. All attachments behind us, we have spent all day on the beach, and are ready for a night on the town.

My dear Becca, being married and thoroughly domesticated, has not been on a good girl-trip for years, and I’ve decided to give her some advice as she heads back out onto the bar scene tonight. Below is the transcription of the note I’ve given her about tonight:

Dear Becca,

Some reminders for our night on the town:
1. Always act like you’re having fun, even if you’re not. Smile and nod. No one wants to go out with someone that is only having a mediocre time, so fake it.
2. It is only a successful night if you manage to shut the bar down. Leaving at 12:30 is something like admitting defeat. Stay out until 2:00, and you can later brag to everyone you know about what a great time you had.
3. Never stand alone. I’m not really sure why this is a rule, but it definitely is one.
4. Drink a lot. You don‘t have to drink because you want to, just to make everyone else feel like they‘re not lushes. It’s all about making people feel comfortable.
5. Take off your wedding ring, just for the night. I’m not saying to leave it at the hotel. You can still keep it on your person, like in a purse or pocket, but this false sense of freedom will help you be as inappropriate and shady as you want.
6. Create an elaborate code of hand gestures designed to get you out of awkward conversations with undesirables, as well as to bring back nostalgic memories of the good old softball days.
7. Keep drinking.
8. Looks are everything. Attractive people have more fun, so make sure you spend plenty of time on your appearance. Shallowness = smartness.
9. You have not, nor will you ever, lose your mojo. It is in you, and shines through you in everything you do. Some people have it, and some people don't. You do! Embrace it!

Love,
Jessica

PS. You are the designated driver, right?

The Way of Belonging and Belovedness

2009-07-09T10:16:00.007-04:00

What are those two basic emotional needs that all people are universally supposed to have? To belong and to be loved, right? And then, in the way of capitalistic America, these basic desires, once met, expand: We want to belong more than the next guy, and be loved more than the next gal. That leads to the twofold topic of my post: Belonging and Belovedness.

Belonging:
When we're younger belonging in a family is important enough, but as we enter high school it becomes important to be identified as an athlete, an artist, or even a gang member. These larger groups create a special sense of belonging. Then we grow up even more, somehow becoming a full-blown adult... and the fact that we were in plays in high school does not provide us with the sense of belonging we need.

So how can we create that sense of belonging as an adult?

Option A: Make a new family. Perpetuate the life cycle: Get married, and have kids. The more kids, the greater sense of belonging you will have. Have kids for you, for a greater sense of fulfillment in your life. Have kids to be belong.
*Sidenote: If you can't wait to have your own kids, there are many single parents out there just waiting to give you a ready-made sense of belonging with their own kids.

Option B: Join a band. Don't worry if you do not have any musical ability. You're in a band. That means there are other people in it, and they probably have talent, so just coast along. Play in the background. Nod a lot. Grow out your hair. Belong.

Option C: This recommendation is only for the really desperate. Become an officer of your local homeowner's association. People will very quickly depend on you to resolve all manner of boring and mundane issues that arise in the neighborhood. Your sense of belonging will skyrocket, but beware gentle reader: this is the kind of belonging people run away from very quickly.

CAUTION OVER-ACHIEVERS: YOU ONLY NEED TO PICK ONE OF THE ABOVE OPTIONS TO BELONG. ALL THREE ARE NOT NECCESSARY.

Belovedness:

While it is very important to belong, it is just as important to manipulate people into loving you. Thankfully, you have me to help guide you through this difficult maze of affection.

Option A: Be pretty or handsome. I know this one is obvious because everyone knows that pretty people have lots of love in their lives, so I'm not going to explain. Tips: Women should try to achieve that Kim Kardashian look. Men, Clive Owen.

Option B: Be funny. If Option A is out of the question for you for whatever reason, be funny. There are plenty of books on the subject, and WikiHow even has an article entitled "How to Be Funny." Study hard, and you too can be loved.

Option C: Pay for things. Everyone loves a free ride, and if you can be that free ride for them, then I guarantee you will be loved in that deep, real kind of way.

Option D: Blog. It's easy. You don't have to have to be smart, funny, or articulate to do it. And people will love you.

Option E: This option is more advanced. It is for those of you that are already loved, but want more love. Practice the art of being exotic and mysterious. Get a fake accent. Dye your hair darker. Talk less. Make people wonder what you are thinking, and when you do finally speak, don't explain yourself. I'm telling you, you will get more love, mostly because you are often misunderstood. People that are fully understood by others are rarely loved.

A toast: Here's to your future. May you be so surrounded by love and belonging that you will never have any time to yourself to think about how miserable and dissatisfied you are.

The Way of the Kiss-Up

2009-07-08T14:16:00.006-04:00

No one likes a kiss-up, right? Well, no one except the boss/employer/ supervisor that is getting all the love. No one except the person paying your check. No one except the single most important person at your workplace...

Being somewhat adept at kissing-up myself, I thought that I would jot down a few thoughts to help those of you that are into sincerity, truthfulness, and other such nonsense. You don't know what you're missing in the world of:

MY BOSS LIKES ME BECAUSE I SMILE A LOT AT HIM.

Firstly, what is it that really holds many of us back from ingratiating ourselves into the good graces of our employers? No, not self-respect, silly reader. That's right: our coworkers! The vicious cycle of negative peer pressure is a force beyond the walls of a high school. No coworker likes a toady. That's why you need to be sneaky and furtive when using your kissing-up skills. Come in early, before your coworkers, and confess to your boss that you were up all night thinking about the project that you were working on. Email also works great. Thank-you emails for new opportunities, I-agree-with-you emails after staff meetings, and I-like-your-tie emails are all recommended. The walk-by is also a technique that does not arouse suspiscion in colleagues. Simply walk by your boss' office or desk, lean in, and ask, "Is there anything I can do to make your job easier today?" In this secretive manner, you can still show your boss that you are there for him or her.

Secondly, I recommend giving small gifts to employers. Make a dollar store run once a week. Ceramic mice, cheap picture frames, and mini Watchamacallit candy bars have all done wonders for my relationship with my bosses. Think about it: Mr. Manager is trying to decide whether to give you a raise or LaShonda. You are both completely equal in your job performance, but you gave him a plastic backscratcher the day before. Just who do you think will get that raise?

Finally, show a romantic interest in your boss. It's like we've been brainwashed in America-- "Ooooh, sexual harrassment blah blah blah, or I want to be treated like a professional (yawn)." There is nothing wrong with a little bit of calling at home, playing footsie, making out, and mild stalking of your employer, especially if it sets you apart from the next guy. Dating your boss would even give you a more likely chance of getting his email and voicemail passwords, the benefits of which I will discuss in my future blog: "Blackmail: the Path to Success."

PS- If one of my administrators reads this, I was just joking. And would you like me to get you some coffee?

The Way of the Relationship

2009-07-07T11:20:00.000-04:00

I have a friend that periodically reminds me that he took a psychology class in college; therefore, he knows all about how people think and feel. Just as his psychology class gives him a corner on everyone's emotional health, I feel that the fact that I have been in relationships in the past makes me an expert on all matters of the heart. Furthermore, I know that since I'm not currently in a relationship, I have much more insight & knowledge because of the heightened level of objectivity that I can claim.

With that being said, whenever I do start dating someone seriously, it will be a cold day in Cuba before I would blog about it (see below), so I'd better get my wisdom out there before it's too late!

Picture this:

Man: Jessica. I saw the blog you wrote yesterday after our argument. I can't believe that you shared all of that personal information with the entire internet community.

Me: Oh, silly [insert name here] Nobody reads my blog anyway. (phone rings)

Me: Hi, mom. Yeah, I know you told me [same name as previous] is not good enough for me, but I just.... (pause) Oh, you read that in my blog. Yeah, mom. He really said that. (longer pause) No, I couldn't believe it either. (shorter pause) He's here. My mom wants to talk to you...

(uncomfortable silence)

So I'm sure that you'll understand why I feel the need to go ahead and say this now...

My insights on relationships, in no particular order:

1. The golden rule is overrated. I have a lot of divorced friends that would back me up on this.

2. You have to care less about the other person than they care about you so that you have all the power. You can achieve this by talking badly about your significant other to your friends and family.

3. This next one is especially for the ladies: repress, repress, repress! He doesn't care how you feel about it, so stop thinking that if you cry more, he will!

4. It's perfectly natural to give up all of your other friends and hobbies so that you and your beloved can very quickly have nothing interesting to say to each other. After all, if you're not willing to be bored together, then it's not a relationship worth having, right?

5. The more quickly you move through all the stages of romance, the more powerful your love is. I know one couple that met on the internet, talked on the phone for awhile, and moved in together within a period of two months! Ahhh, passion. I predict that relationship will make it through the long haul.

6. The less you have in common with your significant other, the more likely your relationship will succeed. After all, opposites attract. It's especially important to have different goals and priorities, so that it will give you something to fight about.

7. Don't underestimate the make-up-break-up cycle. It's power to bind a couple together is unparalleled.

8. If your relationship is going south, you have two options: have a baby together, or get a pet together. Either one works like a metaphysical relationship glue; I guarantee it.

9. If your significant other has been ignoring you, make him or her jealous by spending one-on-one time with their sibling or best friend. Then, when they ask you about it, laugh uncomfortably and say, "Nothing happened. I swear. Nothing happened." This has the twofold beauty of making them question their own attractiveness while questioning your fidelity.

10. This last bit of advice is for those of you that just got out of a serious relationship: Get in a new relationship immediately. Grab on to the first guy or girl you meet because soon you're going to be way too old to be attractive to anyone anymore.

That's it. I know that you will probably want to print this out and refer back to it at your leisure, and I give you permission to do that. I am, after all, here to help.

The Way of the Whisperer

2009-07-05T21:08:00.003-04:00

In April I was blessed with a new addition to my household... a little four-pound dog I promptly named Othello. (Nickname: Killer) Immediately I was thrust into the pet-owner's world full of decisions: Where should he sleep? What should I do with him while I'm at work? What should I feed him? Thankfully, The Dog Whisperer, Holy Bible to dog owners, was there for me. Plenty of people have testified to the glory of this book, so I do not feel the need to go on and on about what revolutionary insights are included, but it did make me wonder if the ideas included in this book could help in other areas of life.

I decided to send a request to the publisher of The Dog Whisperer. I promised that if they could find anyone to write the following books, then I could guarantee at least one sale of each.

1. The Fifteen-Year-Old Whisperer: A non-violent approach to teaching teenagers that could not care less about whatever you have to say. Includes updated information about how to soothe angry parents with three simple steps. Diagrams are included.

2. The Yelling-Neighbor Whisperer: Positive reinforcement guarantees that even neighbors regularly involved in domestic disputes will sit quietly and wait for treats on cue.

3.The Long Line Whisperer: How to use simple breathing exercises to make everyone else in line let you move straight to the front. Also: The top 5 games that will enable you to bond with other people in line.

4. The Road Rage Whisperer: Enlightened ways to interact with other drivers. Includes a suggested list of calming music to listen to while driving, as well as the way to insure other drivers will not pull a gun out on you.

5. The Innapropriate Friend Whisperer: How to reward an annoying friend when they show good people skills, and how clickers will help redirect negative behaviors.

I'll let you know when I hear back from the publisher.

The Way of the Governor

2009-07-05T20:53:00.000-04:00

A couple of governors in this great country have distinguished themselves lately, namely Governors Sanford and Palin. I think that there are many great life lessons here for us commoners, and I'm just going to highlight a few.

*The Bridges of Madison County can stretch to Argentina: Put down that relationship book that warns you against long distance relationships. Governor Sanford has shown that the healthiest of relationships can occur on separate continents.

*People have less sympathy for an idiot. Remember all of those who rallied around President Clinton during the Monica scandal? Many things can be said about Clinton, but no one could call him an idiot, and that's why a segment of the American population took his side. Is anyone rallying around Governor Sanford? Anyone?

*All women named Jenny are sweet, good, loyal, and long-suffering.

*Men and women can be just friends. But only for seven years. There is just too much sexual tension to resist that eighth year, so watch out.

Governor Palin's recent announcement that she is stepping down as Governor of Alaska also shows some often-overlooked wisdom.

*No job is so important that you cannot quit. As a teacher, I have always felt the pressure to serve out to the end of my school term, no matter how tough it has gotten. And I'm just a lowly teacher... Imagine how much more pressure there is for government officials and actual important people to serve out their terms. Governor Palin has disregarded this pressure and social stigma, showing all of us that quitting is always an option.

*Yes, you can wear maroon and pink together (see image above) gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

*Nobody really cares about Alaska, even it's head.

gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

This leads me to my final point, and it is one I'm surprised no one has suggested yet: Governors Sanford and Palin should get together. While it might take them seven years to get past the friendship stage, I am confident that both of them will eventually have no problem throwing off their spouses and other obligations to share what could be a wonderfully conservative long-distance relationship.

The Way of the Blog

2009-06-13T14:56:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time there was a girl. She was a nice girl with long curly hair, who lived in a big duplex all alone. One day, as this girl was sitting sad and alone in her big duplex, she started asking all of those questions that people ask when they are sad and alone: What is the meaning of life? Why am I here? What is my mission on earth? How can I be happy? As the curly-haired girl sat and contemplated all of these life-questions, the answer came to her.

I must write a blog, she thought.

This will add significant meaning and interest to my life.

And so she did.

Here it is...